How to Help Children Deal with the Pain and Confusion of Divorce

Posted by Divorce Network, February 2010

 

Divorce can mean a painful time for families, but the effects of divorce on children can be devastating when the situation isn’t handled correctly. 

Happily, with some time and patience, there are many positive ways to help your children through a divorce. One of the first things to keep in mind regarding children and divorce is to not keep your decision to divorce a secret from them. 

Kids are intuitive; they often sense something it not right with their parents, even if you think you’ve been hiding it well.  As soon as you and your spouse have made the decision to divorce, tell them. Do not isolate your children when divorce is imminent.

Be prepared for a range of emotions from your children.  You are their stability, and their world is about to change drastically, regardless of whether your children are five or 15.  Know that there will be many questions about the divorce, addressing everything from the big picture "Who will I live with?", to the everyday "Who is going to take me to soccer practice?".   

Children and divorce is a serious topic, but you have much of the power to control the outcome.  Something as simple as being there for them emotionally can help immensely.  Encourage your kids to be honest with you about their feelings, and check in with them regularly to see how they are feeling.  Asking specific questions regarding their emotional state, and offering your support are essential components to help mitigate the effects of divorce on children.

Remember to always be the adult while going through your divorce (at least in front of your kids).  Do not "over-share" details with your children about the divorce situation, and do not denigrate your spouse during the divorce process.  This can be difficult during highly-contested divorces, especially those concerning infidelity, but remember that the negative effects of divorce on children ease if you can handle the situation as maturely as possible.  

Know when it’s time to seek professional help. If you notice your children acting out in ways that go far beyond that which is considered reasonable, even by the standards of divorce-induced poor or unusual behavior, then you may want to consider contacting a family therapist who specializes in children and divorce.  

Finally, have patience.  While we tend to focus on the effects of divorce on children than on anyone else, you are going through a very emotionally difficult time as well.   Remember to be as kind and understanding to yourself as you are to your children.  Give yourself time to heal.  It is difficult to tend to anyone else’s needs if you aren’t emotionally and physically healthy, too.

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