Seven Steps to Survive the Fog of Divorce

Divorce Network Expert - Paul K McGinniss, PCC SBL MSHR 

If you are a man moving into, in the midst of, or just coming out of a divorce, it can seem as if you’re in a fog—The Fog of Divorce™. The Seven Steps to Survive the Fog of Divorce™ can help you maneuver through this difficult period in your life by regaining balance and focus. If you have been feeling all alone and looking for meaningful and real-life support, read on. Seven Steps to Survive the Fog of Divorce™

 

Step 1. Private Time – Mourning Has Broken

Divorce is the second most stressful event in life, following death of a loved one. During divorce, while your spouse has not actually died, it seems as if she has; she is no longer with you, she is gone. This realization can be emotionally, spiritually, and physically devastating. It can be literally exhausting. Just getting through each day can require tremendous focus and energy, during a time in which you have very little to spare. Taking private time to care for yourself and not have to focus on anyone or anything else is essential to your survival. It is how you recharge for the next day. One warning: don’t completely isolate yourself. While it’s healthy to maintain a good deal of “alone” time, it can seem easier to avoid the outside world altogether. Force yourself to get out of your house a few times a week. Go to a movie. Take a walk. Go to the library. Visit a coffee shop. The idea of Step1 is not about being social or engaging with other people; it is simply remaining safely connected to the outside world while you are dealing with your personal ordeal.

Step 2. Ground Support – Finding Objective Personal Supporters

When you’re going through the fog of divorce, you are in pain. Your family and friends don’t like seeing you in pain. They love you. They’ll often say things to you from a place of love that are the exact wrong things for you to hear. Things like, “Don’t worry, there’s someone else out there for you,” or, "Forget her, she’s no good for you anyway.” You’re thinking, “I still love her. I want to save my marriage. I’m not divorced yet. I can’t even think of dating again!” Finding objective (I’d call it slightly north of neutral) supporters is critical to your well-being. Very often, it is a finite number—possibly even one or two—of your closest friends or associates who can support you without making things worse. They can be objective and loving. Step 2 is to identify these people and call on them for ground support.

Step 3. Air Support – The Value of Using a Professional

Sometimes, friends aren’t enough to get you through The Fog of Divorce™. Sometimes, the fog is so thick it calls for the big guns—a professional. While you may have a personal bias or preference against seeing a psychologist, psychotherapist, or other clinical specialist, it might be just the right move. Speak to your company’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) representative, if you have one, or ask around for referrals. Talk with a few counselors before choosing one. Once you start going, give it some time, give it a chance. If therapy doesn’t seem to be working, give yourself permission to stop going. It’s okay. At least you tried.

Step 4. Friendly Fire – Grieving the Death of Your Marriage and Starting the Healing Process

When you got married, instead of “the two becoming one,” the two became three! You each remained your own entity and you created a third shared entity. Meaning, you both continued to be independent beings while simultaneously creating a third inter-dependent being. This third being was an extension of you and your spouse. When a divorce occurs, it’s the equivalent of the death of the third being. You can begin to move on if you choose to (while this might seem almost impossible to you, your spouse more than likely already has started to) by focusing once again and exclusively on your independent self. If you focus on keeping the third being alive, you are doomed. Step 4 to surviving the fog of divorce is acknowledging the “death” of this third entity—your marriage—and grieving for it. It is not easy to let go of the third entity and focus entirely on your independent self again. Taking time to mourn this loss is essential to your survival. Mourning helps you let go, process the loss, and begin healing. Journaling (writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal or notepad) is a good way of moving through this step.

Step 5. Take Inventory – What Have You Got?

Step 4 mentions re-connecting with your independent self. How do you do this? Simple. Take some time each day or each week to think about all of your gifts, talents, achievements, contributions, abilities…. Write them down. You will have more than you imagine. Make a big long list. Ask some people to add to it based on what they know about you. This list will become the stockpile from which you can create your NewLife Goals™.

Step 6. Familiar Ground – Get Off the Couch and Out of the House

When in The Fog of Divorce™, it can be difficult to remember your life before marriage. You might be thinking, “Where did I used to go? Who did I hang out with? What did I do?” In many cases, focusing on the past does not help; sometimes—like in this case—it can. Step 6 is about leveraging your past to recreate your future.
One way to get off the couch and out of the house is to reconnect with your passions, hobbies, interests.... The goal here is to begin to reconnect with others in a safe and social way. This is not about dating. It is about doing things you enjoy with people that enjoy doing them, too. It’s about creating a new community of friends and acquaintances. (In The Fog of Divorce™, your spouse isn’t the only one who disappears; much of your social network usually does, too.) As you begin to reconnect with your old passions and interests, you may also begin to identify your NewLife Goals™. Some of these will grow and blossom, others will serve their purpose and fade away. What’s important here is that you are starting to look forward. The fog is lifting. The road is getting clearer.

Step 7. Roll Out – Take action Towards Your NewLife Goals™

You identify your NewLife Goals™ by listing 2 to 5 things that interest you and can begin to move your life forward. In the fog, it often seems as if you are going nowhere. It’s tough to see progress. Identifying your NewLife Goals™ in Step 7 creates momentum toward your NewLife. Overcoming Fear (or What's the Worst That Could Happen?) “Wait a second!” you say. “I’m scared!” Of course you are. The future you envisioned with your spouse is gone. In its place is uncertainty, and uncertainty causes your brain to shut down; you want to “fight or fly.” It’s okay. This is normal. Fear engages your “animal” brain. When this happens, you are literally not thinking rationally or logically. To disengage your animal brain and overcome your fear, focus on your vision. Your vision is shaped by your NewLife Goals™. In order for your new vision to seem plausible, it is important to create a Game Plan for Success for each NewLife Goal™. Typically, each goal will require four to eight strategies that will ensure your forward momentum and facilitate your success. Once your plan is in place, it is time to act. And by taking action, you will begin to move out of the fog and into the light of your NewLife™.

Paul K McGinniss, PCC SBL MSHR
www.divorcecoaching4men.com