Working Your Way Through the Divorce Grieving Process

Posted by Divorce Network, January 2010

 

When you said “I do” you probably never imagined you would be here: in the process of getting a divorce or facing life after divorce. You’re likely experiencing a confusing mixture of emotions—or perhaps one searing emotion that won’t let up. Rest assured that you aren’t alone, and everyone confronting this painful situation walks a similar path on the journey to healing.

 

Below are the common stages of the divorce grieving process and tips on how to navigate through these various stages:

 

Denial

In this first stop, many people have difficulty accepting that the divorce is final—or soon will be. Reactions range from continual thoughts of “This isn’t happening to me” to avoidance activities such as ignoring divorce papers in the hope that the whole thing will simply go away. In this stage, be careful not to take actions that may come back to haunt you— such as not fighting for a fair settlement because you’re sure the divorce will never be finalized.  There really are endless possibilities for happiness for your life after divorce.

Bargaining

In this stage, you may bargain with yourself, your former spouse, with God—or any combination of the above, depending on what day it is. You may promise your spouse that you’ll fix whatever the problem is, or you may promise God that you’ll be a better person if He will only restore your marriage. This is a particularly difficult stage to experience, but the good news is that you’re beginning to understand that your divorce is, in fact, happening.

Anger

You may be angry at any number of things: your change in lifestyle, the way your divorce is being conducted, being forced to change your picture of the future, the fact that your former spouse may be dating - anything and everything is fair game. Anger is normal; however, excessive, out-of-control, potentially violent anger is not. If you feel like you’re on the edge of doing harm to yourself or someone else, seek help from a medial professional such as an anger management therapist.  

Depression

When you’ve exhausted your well of anger, many times depression will set in. This may be clinical depression as diagnosed by a doctor or simply a glass-half-empty, “Eeyore” kind of feeling. Talk to your friends, your family, and possibly your physician. In addition to the support of loved ones, you may need a few sessions with a counselor to get you over this rough patch. Life after divorce is very different in so many ways from what you are used to.  Many people have never been alone.  Often people try dating again very quickly to avoid this stage, but it is one that is helpful for you to work through.

Acceptance

This last stage may seem impossible now, but it will come. In fact, not just acceptance, but joy, is waiting for you. A surprising number of people who have moved on with their life after divorce say that what they once considered the worst episode in their lives has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. With a new perspective, you may discover that your former marriage wasn’t as good for you as you once believed and find the courage to forge a new path that will bring you more satisfaction than you ever thought possible.

Divorce is never easy, but if you allow yourself the necessary time to go through the divorce grieving process, you will feel like your old self soon—and maybe even better than your old self.

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