Infidelity Questions: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Cheating is one of the most devastatingly painful things a person can experience. Once the wandering ways of a cheating spouse are discovered, you feel hurt like no other. You begin to question what is real in your relationship, how trustworthy your husband/wife really is, and where your marriage goes from here. Infidelity usually shatters one’s ideas about trust, self-respect, self-devotion, and commitment, and it can open wounds which may potentially leave lifelong scars.

The last thing we’d want to happen after getting cheated on is getting cheated on again. That’s why, with phrases like “it’s part of human nature” and “once a cheater, always a cheater” being thrown around these days more often than we ought to hear, it’s understandable if we come to nurture a paralyzing fear of a repeat act of marital infidelities.

For most of us, the big question is, “Can a cheating spouse ever change his/her ways?” We ask because the answer may either restore our faith or disenchant us further. It’s important to understand, however, that when it comes to cheating, the factors that led the straying spouse to cheat play a huge part in determining whether or not it’s going to happen again.

Was it too much opportunity? Or were there problems in the relationship that caused the cheating spouse to cope by way of seeking sexual intimacy with someone not you? Maybe it was due to a need for excitement and risk-taking, or because the down times in your marriage became too stressful for you and your spouse. Reasons vary, and so do the chances of the cheating spouse doing it again.

At any rate, you and your spouse have to discuss why the cheating occurred, and then you both need to focus on the factors so that it doesn’t happen again. If, for example, the cheating spouse points to problems within your relationship, then you may want to try therapy or marriage counseling in order to come up with resolutions. If, on the other hand, the cheating spouse enjoyed too much freedom, and infidelity was caused by the many opportunities presented him or her, then impose limits on that freedom so that his or her energies will be spent instead on strengthening the marriage.

The good news is that people can change, and so can cheaters. It will certainly take a lot of work, but that doesn’t mean that the damage is not irreparable. Your cheating spouse will have to show the willingness and the commitment to change, not just for your sake but also for him or herself. He or she should be prepared to work with you through the crisis of affairs, so that you both can emerge from this painful experience as a couple who have put an end to the cheating once and for all.