Community Wide Divorce Support Groups & Events
Even though it may feel like it; you're not the only one dealing with divorce. Get to know others in the DN community! Share experiences, receive or give advice, and build friendships that will last a lifetime.
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YoungJeezy (2 days ago) I researched free do-it-yourself" divorces online all night lastnight and this morning. I found ONE free download document on a torrent site but Im not sure it's applicable. Their HAS to be someone out there who has done a completely uncontested divorce all by themself like a big girl (or boy...) and who could give me some advice! I call myself a genius, however all I know of the law is mostly through bad experiences that have nothing to do with divorce. I've never attended law school (as of yet lol) but I am confident that if random Joe can pass a "bar" and charge me for a divorce, then I can just as well do it all myself. But even Genius' need a compass sometimes =)
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MomOfTwo (3 days ago) is wishing I met my boyfriend when I was still in my 30's - and having more children would still be an option. I know some of the "Hollywood" ladies have babies in their mid 40's---but for me I think the risk factor is too great. The hard part is that I know how much my children have added to my life, and it's hard not to be able to give him that experience.
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AmeliaApple (6 days ago) The double standard....So, after being berated by my husband for not cleaning enough, particularly in the kitchen, I've made a consorted effort to clean more. He, however, still cooks and then leave the pots on the stove (dirty) for days at a time; doesn't empty the dishwasher; piles the dishes next to the sink (again, dirty). Um...and I'm not suppose to keep "count" or "track" because if I do, I'm being "manipulative" or something. Just saying...why can't I keep track in order to prove that what I'm saying is correct? It works in science, but not in a marriage. Hum....
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MomOfTwo (6 days ago) the old saying sticks...what is good for the goose is good for the gander. If he wants a wife that stays at homes and cooks and cleans then he needs to get into a time machine or be the big bread winner. When we have to work outside the home, then the household chores should be shared. I never expect 50/50, but it needs to be close. And he shouldn't criticize someone else if we're not willing to do the same task. Way to stick to your guns...although I don't know if I could have handled the pans there for days. I would have cleaned up after him AND held a tally!
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AmeliaApple (6 days ago) And no...I'm not going to clean up after him.
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MomOfTwo (1 week ago) Ok - to my DivorceNetwork posse...need a little help on this one. My Ex and I have done a great job to date with our shared custody arrangement...but it isn't always easy. THIS one I'm struggling with...and any advice or comments you can post on my blog would be MUCH appreciated.
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AmeliaApple (1 week ago) I often wonder, "is it better to sacrifice some needs in order to stay together for the long haul?" I love my husband, but I think I've hit the 4-year slump. It use to be 7, but I think 4 is the new 7. I'm hoping to make it past the slump to find that it only gets better after the period of angst. Is it wrong to long for a little passion?
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AmeliaApple (7 days ago) I remember that post. I'm hoping its true. FYI...I'm totally with you on the "Sex" thing. It is a really American, Puritan -residual issue that we don't talk about sex enough.
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BlondesHaveMoreFun (1 week ago) this was posted a few weeks ago...it made me reflect when I read it. "More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson I think sometimes when we look at the problems...it's like looking at them through a magnifying glass and they become bigger. I'm not saying to ignore them, but while working on the problem, focus on the good.
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AmeliaApple (2 weeks ago) You know...after our session on Wednesday...I had a rough day on Friday (not him-related initially). Then I was doing the laundry, as I usually do, and asked him what he wanted for dinner (it was around 5:30/6:00). I went to put the laundry in the dryer...returned to ask him for his opinion on dinner...he had a recipe for pot-pie...we had none of the ingredients...he wanted home-made/made from scratch pot-pie at 5:30 at night. I went to the grocery store, got the ingredients. While at the store this old man says to me, "I've been waiting all winter to see you." "Excuse me?" I say...he says, "I've been waiting all winter to see your naked legs." WTF is wrong with men? I'm not a feminist, but please!!!! When your wife breaks down in a therapy about how she cannot live up to nor does she want to live up to the "traditional" womanly roles...don't ask her to make home-made pot-pie while she is doing the laundry and now has to go do the store to get the ingredients. (sure, I could have said no, but I was so freaking mad, I knew I wouldn't be able to have a productive conversation at that time) I swear...men don't listen or have an f-ing clue! For those men out there that do...I'm sorry for the stereotype, but GD...I'm getting fed up! Then I asked my husband about how he thought the therapy was going...he said, "I just wish I knew when I didn't have to go anymore." He's free not to go...I'll just divorce him. ARG!
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AmeliaApple (2 weeks ago) Good counseling session last night. We had a real "breakthrough", I think. There has been this ongoing contentious issue about man/women roles and house cleaning...etc. I was able to clearly say to my husband that I have reservations about having children with him if he expects me to also do all the housework and caring for the kids. I also told him that I am not going to have kids with him (which also means that I won't be with him) if he doesn't get the hitting things under control. I'm feeling positive about it. I feel good about being able to talk about the deeper issues in a safe place. The next step will be to translate that to talks without a counselor present.
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Lulu2 (2 weeks ago) Good for you! Hope it works out. My husband used to have really bad anger issues, it was funny (in hindsight) cuz he would not go to counseling w/ me (he needed a vacation before wasting his $$$ on therapy that we clearly did not need which was so far from the truth). but he finally decided he actually had issues & went to a counselor for about 7 sessions. I think what prompted it was my commenting on how our older son was starting to be rough w/ his toys & hit things just like daddy. Not to mention I was serious about divorcing him.Good luck!
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MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) AA - Good for you. It shows a lot that he is still going to counseling with you when he was so set against it before. Hopefully you can feel that the two of you are making progress.
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MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) To AFormerMarine - it is a terrible way to find out that someone has been cheating on you, and I understand that you're hurt & betrayed. I saw your blog series title that you wanted to know if you could sue the man for cheating with your wife. I guess the thing to ask is what do YOU hope to gain from it? Regardless of temptations by others, it is our spouses who cheated and who made the choice to be unfaithful.
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Lulu2 (2 weeks ago) been married for almost 11 yrs, have 3 wonderful kids that I adore, our marriage turned for the worst after having our first, I went thru a trauma in 2005 (one would think he would "see the light" after having his wife & 2 older kids could've been killed) he still acted like a jerk, he straighted out in 2006 when I seriously spoke about divorce, been ok, but still some issues I don't know if I can deal with. So confused, feel so manipulated & forced to stay. How do I just end it???? he's been a great father unlike before, better husband but I feel smothered, can't express my feelings , my words always gets twisted or somehow my problem or whatever ends being about him??? I don't know where he's coming from very selfish, insecure. uh just so tired of it all! Is this just a phase? yeah a pretty long one for about almost 9 yrs now, I always end up feeling the same way I know it's not going to work. These last 2 incidents are just knawing at me, can't believe he says a sorry should be good enough & he acts like everything is ok again as usual! UUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Lulu2 (2 weeks ago) One incident was 2 wks ago now, we went to a friends going away party he got drunk (still no excuse) starting peeing in the parking lot as we walked to my truck, he was standing by the passenger door I put the truck in reverse (not to back out until he gets in the truck) which I have done before. He got super pissed & started walking yelling back at me, I couldn't back out cuz another car was pulling in behind me, I went to go after him but lost him ( very dark where I live) I went up & down the street 3 x, knowing this is going to start some shit. And it did, he says I did that on purpose & left him there. I say he's a 38 yr old man who is a big friggin child! we argued until 3:00 am as usual cuz when he wants to talk there's no going to sleep. He brought up issues from 8 months ago too citing that's why he acted the way he did! Not fair since we are suppose to be communicating!!!! The other reason: (about 3 days later) I went to bed, we kissed good night, he got out of bed went into the bathroom turned on the fan, pump the lotion & ya know! Something I've said in the past (we've argued over this) his uses it as an ultimatium. It's disgusting right in the next room!!! We have a master bath. I think it's so disrespectful to do that while I'm in the next room. Now he's said last night (knowing I have stomach issues) "that's understandable not doing it (us having sex) cuz he couldn't imagine doing it while his stomach was hurting him. We went to a counselor 2x, I caved in both times. I feel like I can't leave him cuz he's gotten better (he used to be really bad w/ his anger no hitting but plenty of verbal & emotional abuse) he was horrible to the kids, drank all the time. Even after the accident he drove like an asswhole w/ me & the kids in it, I lost my grandmother in that accident, & yet again it's all about him (he keeps forgetting) We've talked about counseling again, I don't really want to go cuz I know he'll act all innocent there but the shit won't stop when we get home. I know 9 yrs is long but I guess it goes back to my childhood, my mom & dad were divorcing when my dad dies ( I was 8), I grew up w/out a dad plus a little part of me knows he will be hard to deal w/ & may not come around for the kids to spite me.
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) Not sure what the incidents are either that you are talking about, but have you tried relationship counseling or coaching? He obviously needs to do/be more thaan just am I'm sorry. You need more than that and maybe a third person can help explain that to him. best to you
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MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) so for 9 out of the past 11 years you have felt unhappy. That is a long time. What are the last two incidents that you talk about here?
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Dael623 (2 weeks ago) How did you/would you tell your spouse of 30 years that you're not happy living with them and want to live apart? You know there's going to be crying and kicking and screaming...so how did you /do you even broach the subject?
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) The reality is that you will always be family in one way or another, so I always say to do it with love, compassion and grace, asking that the highest good be done for the both of you. So much of it is your intention behind the asking. Stay in a loving space and be there for each other. A friend of mine recently asked for a divorce, she had been unhappy for years! He didn't want it but finally relented and somehow she hass found peace, reconnection with him in a way that had not been there for 10 years, and she is honestly saying she loves him and WANTS to be with him and they are happy. I'm only saying this because, you never know and you don't want to totally close off all your options. Love is sometimes truly the answer.
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MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) Unless it's mutually acceptable, having no intimacy in your marriage is not something that many people can live without. It sounds as though your wife believes sex is only for procreation and that's unfortunate. It sounds like it has been this way for so long, it would be difficult to try to change. I was married only 10 years, but with the kids still at home (I struggled with staying for them...but in the end want them to have a happy mom who may be with them less, but is there wholly in spirit) it was a very difficult decision. My husband did not want it and begged me to go back to counseling, but in my heart I knew we were not good together. I tried to be as compassionate as possible. I gave him all of the time to go through his reactions and we lived in the same house for 3 months (sleeping apart) while we worked through the issues. It gave us time to talk together, cry together and realize that it was the best thing for us to part. With a 30 year marriage, that is like a lifetime that will change. I think you need to talk to her when you have a few hours without interruption, and don't be anxious to get out of the house or leave after that. Stay with her and let her know that you will talk through what follows next as she processes her feelings. You can't avoid the emotions, but you can help by trying to be empathetic to her. good luck.
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AmeliaApple (2 weeks ago) Dael623...I cannot answer your question since I have never been in your position, but you are correct that there will be "kicking and screaming"...although figuratively speaking, of course. I commend you for seriously considering changing your life to make yourself happy and, although it won't seem like it at the time, to allow your wife to find what makes her happy. I wish you the best and hope you find a way to work through your situation. I'm in a young marriage, no kids, and considering divorce. I do love my husband and recently we've been going to a counselor to assist us in dealing with some of our issues. Ultimately, while I want it to work out, I don't know how it will. I love my husband, but have concern about having children with him because of his tendency to get violent (hitting inanimate objects) when he is angry or confronted with confrontation. Since you have been married for 30 years, any wisdom you can impart to me or anyone in the community about the process of choosing to stay and now considering leaving would be helpful. The thing I struggle with is the idea that when we get married, we do the "till death do us part" thing....but when you only have one life, at what point is enough, enough? Anyway...good luck and, for what it is worth, I'm always happy to listen. Best ~AA
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MomOfTwo (2 days ago) I have not tried the "do it yourself" jobs - although there are software that you can use to do that. I got a Dissolution - and that was your "basic" - we agree to everything type of arrangement. Only one person actually "engages" an attorney and he draws up all of the legal paperwork & does the filing--so this should address your issue that you live in a different state now. My lawyer fees were $1200. We ended up paying a little extra as we needed to have a retirement analysis done, but that was an extra we agreed to so we could determine what was fair. I would have some concerns about using just some random website where you put your credit card on for services, as this is an area that is a prime candidate for scams...knowing that there are a lot of people desperate for a divorce w/o money to pay for one.