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Gender: Female

Location: Dallas, TX

Relationship Status: Considering Divorce / Breakup

Birthday: January 20th 1980

Sexual Orientation: Straight

Member Since: January 8th 2010

My Story:

My story...that's an interesting question. I've been married for 3.5 years to a wonderful man. He has not cheated or hurt me, but things have drastically changed between us. This past year so much has changed for me and I have begun to see things in a different light. I finished my Ph.D. and started a great new job and am now supporting us while he finishes school.

We met in the summer of 2005 and were married shortly thereafter. He moved here to be with me and to pursue a college education. He stopped working a few years back to go to school full-time while I went to school full-time finishing my doctorate, worked full-time and had a part-time job.

I've been seeing a counselor to see if there are things that I can do to help the relationship and I've realized that in the past, I've always sort of thought that a man would be the one to take care of me (even though I'm on the verge of being a feminist ;-) The thing that has changed most about me is that I have a new found confidence that I know I can take care of myself 100%. I always thought I could, but now I know.

I do love my husband very much, but am seriously contemplating divorce. The main problems in our relationship are that we don't communicate well, there is a level of intimacy that he is not willing to give, and there is very little passion between us.

I realize that going to school while married has special issues, but there will always be a reason to not talk about our relationship, not make time for one another, and to not be intimate. I feel like I am convenient for him, but he doesn't make me feel like I'm a priority, doesn't tell me I'm beautiful, doesn't make much time for me, criticizes how I cook, clean, or do laundry for him, and we basically never have sex...he's always busy with school and frankly I've pulled away.

Like I said, I do love him, but I'm not sure at what point you throw in the towel. You only have one life and I deserve someone passionate about me and our future. I'm young, only 30, but I don't want to "hang around" and realize at 40 that I should have acted. We have no kids and very little common-law property, so a divorce would be fairly un-messy.

I've joined the site in hopes of finding some guidance. Please reach out if you feel you can.

Thank you.

Survey Responses

When a Simple Status just doesn't cover it:Married & Numb

What went wrong?Poor Communication:, Other:

How many years have you been divorced?N/A

At what age did you get divorced?N/A

How many times have you been officially divorced?N/A

How many times have you been married?This is the only one

Education: PhD / Post Doctoral

Religion: Other

Goal you would like to achieve this year: Figure out whether or not to stay or leave.

Why am I here: Help, Meet others in my situation

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  AmeliaApple (6 hours ago) The double standard....So, after being berated by my husband for not cleaning enough, particularly in the kitchen, I've made a consorted effort to clean more. He, however, still cooks and then leave the pots on the stove (dirty) for days at a time; doesn't empty the dishwasher; piles the dishes next to the sink (again, dirty). Um...and I'm not suppose to keep "count" or "track" because if I do, I'm being "manipulative" or something. Just saying...why can't I keep track in order to prove that what I'm saying is correct? It works in science, but not in a marriage. Hum....
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    AmeliaApple (6 hours ago) And no...I'm not going to clean up after him.

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  AmeliaApple (3 days ago) I often wonder, "is it better to sacrifice some needs in order to stay together for the long haul?" I love my husband, but I think I've hit the 4-year slump. It use to be 7, but I think 4 is the new 7. I'm hoping to make it past the slump to find that it only gets better after the period of angst. Is it wrong to long for a little passion?
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    AmeliaApple (15 hours ago) I remember that post. I'm hoping its true. FYI...I'm totally with you on the "Sex" thing. It is a really American, Puritan -residual issue that we don't talk about sex enough.

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    BlondesHaveMoreFun (3 days ago) this was posted a few weeks ago...it made me reflect when I read it. "More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson I think sometimes when we look at the problems...it's like looking at them through a magnifying glass and they become bigger. I'm not saying to ignore them, but while working on the problem, focus on the good.

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  AmeliaApple (5 days ago) You know...after our session on Wednesday...I had a rough day on Friday (not him-related initially). Then I was doing the laundry, as I usually do, and asked him what he wanted for dinner (it was around 5:30/6:00). I went to put the laundry in the dryer...returned to ask him for his opinion on dinner...he had a recipe for pot-pie...we had none of the ingredients...he wanted home-made/made from scratch pot-pie at 5:30 at night. I went to the grocery store, got the ingredients. While at the store this old man says to me, "I've been waiting all winter to see you." "Excuse me?" I say...he says, "I've been waiting all winter to see your naked legs." WTF is wrong with men? I'm not a feminist, but please!!!! When your wife breaks down in a therapy about how she cannot live up to nor does she want to live up to the "traditional" womanly roles...don't ask her to make home-made pot-pie while she is doing the laundry and now has to go do the store to get the ingredients. (sure, I could have said no, but I was so freaking mad, I knew I wouldn't be able to have a productive conversation at that time) I swear...men don't listen or have an f-ing clue! For those men out there that do...I'm sorry for the stereotype, but GD...I'm getting fed up! Then I asked my husband about how he thought the therapy was going...he said, "I just wish I knew when I didn't have to go anymore." He's free not to go...I'll just divorce him. ARG!
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  AmeliaApple (1 week ago) Good counseling session last night. We had a real "breakthrough", I think. There has been this ongoing contentious issue about man/women roles and house cleaning...etc. I was able to clearly say to my husband that I have reservations about having children with him if he expects me to also do all the housework and caring for the kids. I also told him that I am not going to have kids with him (which also means that I won't be with him) if he doesn't get the hitting things under control. I'm feeling positive about it. I feel good about being able to talk about the deeper issues in a safe place. The next step will be to translate that to talks without a counselor present.
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    Lulu2 (6 days ago) Good for you! Hope it works out. My husband used to have really bad anger issues, it was funny (in hindsight) cuz he would not go to counseling w/ me (he needed a vacation before wasting his $$$ on therapy that we clearly did not need which was so far from the truth). but he finally decided he actually had issues & went to a counselor for about 7 sessions. I think what prompted it was my commenting on how our older son was starting to be rough w/ his toys & hit things just like daddy. Not to mention I was serious about divorcing him.Good luck!

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    MomOfTwo (7 days ago) AA - Good for you. It shows a lot that he is still going to counseling with you when he was so set against it before. Hopefully you can feel that the two of you are making progress.

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  AmeliaApple (1 week ago) Do you ever wonder why we treat the most important people in our lives worse than those we are forced to deal with on a daily basis? ARGG!
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    Lulu2 (1 week ago) So true!!!! I wonder how can my husband love me so much but yet still do things that cuz us fights or me pain! It's like there are 2 sides to him the home side & his social side where people are like oh he's such a great father & husband but, they don't see the manipulative, selfish just plain odd side to him.

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    MomOfTwo (1 week ago) Yes, yes yes. The patience I have displayed with former colleagues, etc. is 10x what i would give my husband or kids. I think I have done a better job lately, but I still catch myself. Recently I realized that each time I called my sister (my best friend in the whole world) I was talking about all the things I was going through and then had to run. She's been struggling with many things, and I hadn't been giving her MY time, just taking hers. She is such a giving person, she never says a thing, but I noticed a distance. it has been better since I've stopped myself and remembered to ask her how she is doing.

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  AmeliaApple (2 weeks ago) The last few days I’ve been a bit sick. My throat has been on fire and my head is clogged. I mentioned this to my husband and he asked me if I really felt that bad…as if I were making it up or something. This has been an issue for us in the past. He has a difficult time with care taking and giving comfort when I need it. I think much of this comes from his childhood and the fact that he didn’t receive a lot of care or comfort from the people who raised him. I explained that when he responded to me the way he did, it wasn’t about what he said, but about the way he said it…very condescending and void of compassion. He seemed to understand what I was saying. Then we got into one of the favorite arguments that we tend to have…cleaning. It is unbelievable what he says to me about household chores. He told me he does not feel that I do enough around the house and that, in general, I do hardly anything. WTF????? This has been a contentious issue for us. It is unfathomable to me that he can look at me and tell me that I hardly do anything around our house. Let me remind you that I am the one working to support us while he goes to school full time (and yes, I did this while I was finishing my Ph.D. and holding down a part and fulltime job at the same time), I am the one that goes to the store for the household stuff (toilet paper, Kleenex, shampoo, soap, dishwashing liquid, food, cat food, cat litter, underwear, socks, etc.), I am the one that vacuums and dusts the house, I am the one that does the laundry…all of it, and I am the one that schedules trips to visit family, arranges the vet appointments, and cooks. He actually told me that I hardly cook at all. Meanwhile, he has his own study and it is a sty! I brought this to his attention and he admitted that it was true. I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help but point out to him that it is easier to complain about my lack of cleaning the kitchen and bathroom than to admit that he is being a misogynist. In the end the argument ended with him slamming the door to his room and him punching stuff. I absolutely hate that. We had a heated discussion, but it never escalated to yelling at all. He hasn’t punched stuff since I told him that is scares me (sometime in December), but he has taken to slamming the doors instead. The other night my breathing was bothering him…yes breathing, not snoring…so I woke up to the door being slammed and hearing him curse as he walked away from the door. Are you serious!? This is where I am not very clear on what counts as “emotional abuse”. Should I be concerned about some of these things or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? Overall, however, I feel like our communication is improving. I’m not avoiding conflict and am trying to be as constructive in our discussions as possible and trying to take responsibility in what is going on. I do, however, get a bit scared about the violent outbursts and his inability to curtail that response to conflict.
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    Frenchie (2 weeks ago) Hi AA, I hope that you're feeling better. I wouldn't really know what to tell you about whether this constitutes emotional abuse, but it is definitely over the top. Some of the things you described (punching stuff, slamming doors) also used to make me feel on edge and very uncomfortable during an argument. It sounds like he is taking out his frustrations on you, and that he could use some anger management skills. I just signed up on this site tonight as I am having a very hard time after separating from my spouse of 7 years. I'm a PhD student and am terrified not to be able to finish my dissertation (I'm only on chapter 1) because I will have to have a full-time job to support myself. You gave me hope. You managed to do it while holding a full-time and a part-time job! I am so down in the dumps I have not been able to return to my dissertation since Feb 17 (the day it happened). Tomorrow is a new week, and the beginning of a new month, and I am hoping that I can get back to my chapter. I sent you a friend request, I hope you accept it. All the best, Frenchie.

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  AmeliaApple (2 weeks ago) For everyone out there going through a difficult time, take some time for yourself. Remove yourself from your life and work and just get away for a weekend. It does help you clear your head and helps you put things into perspective. I did this by myself once and this past weekend spent the time with a dear girlfriend that I hadn't seen in four years. Take the time for yourself. You can do this....we all can do this!
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    DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) good idea!

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    MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) Glad to hear that you got away with your girlfriends. I think we need to maintain this connection with our friends in good times & in bad...as they are a lifeline when we need it.

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  AmeliaApple (4 weeks ago) So, here's a question for anyone willing to talk about it. I've noticed that on many people's profiles one of the reasons they list for the disillusion of or problems in the marriage includes "sexual incompatibility". Can anyone explain to me what all this includes? For me, there is not a problem in reaching orgasm, the main problem I have with our sexual relationship is the "foreplay" or lack there of. I can write the exact sequence that my husband uses when he is trying to get me to have sex and I have to tell you, it's a huge turn off. Step one, two, three...none of them are very good and I'm unsatisfied in that area. Like I said, once we start having sex, I have no problem reaching an orgasm or two...but cannot stand most of the rest. I feel horrible for saying that, but I'm here to be as open and honest as I can be. AA
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    DivorceCoachLori (3 weeks ago) Since I so love talking about sex, I thought I'd also comment. I just read a report on divorce recently that said 56% said divorce was based on behavior issues, and that translated to sexual intimacy issues, which is really what you are talking about. Intimacy goes away, while the sexual functioning may in fact still be there, it's the intimacy you/we all long for. And...that takes communication and motivation to communicate. For example, when you asked your husband if he noticed you not giving him oral sex, that was a great opportunity to open up the why and the need to continue to romance and date you. Marriage is NOT the time to STOP romance and intimacy. Many men think they have "won" her over by marrying her, however, that should be the beginning, not the end, of the romance. what do you think?

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    AmeliaApple (3 weeks ago) I totally know that "Friends" episode...hilarious! Yes, I've tried the encouraging communication. I'd love to have sex in a different room, but he can't have sex unless we are in the bedroom. I grew up with traditional puritan reservations about sex, but after about 10+ years of practice and exploration, I discovered how to have multiple orgasms...and, for the record, I was able to do that prior to meeting my husband. I do mix it up for him...I have always loved to give oral sex, I'm into roll playing, tame domination/submission, etc...the problem is that unless I do it, it won't get done. And quite frankly, I'm tired of doing it all. Seems like a reoccurring theme in our relationship, lol. I've even told him so. I asked him if he noticed that I never give him head and more and he said, "yes". I told him, while it may be petty, I stopped doing it because it was never returned. I was told by someone once that I should be thankful that I can have an orgasm and that he isn't f*cking someone else. I'm not living my life to settle for average....I know how good it can be and I'm willing to do the work and I expect the same from him. Just a thought. I'm not going to "thank my lucky stars" that I can get off or that my husband isn't cheating on me. Not that you implied that....I just had a little rant! :-)

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    BlondesHaveMoreFun (3 weeks ago) AA - Obviously from my blog I am very familiar with how much this can impact your marriage. Although, I would consider you lucky that you can have one (or more!) with your husband. I think the fascination with a one night stand isn't just that it's a new guy, but new TECHNIQUES! Don't know if you were a "Friends" fan, but I love the episode, where they were talking to the boys about all the erogenous zones and they had like 7...the boys were like "7?" I thought there were 2! Then they were like, 1, 7.....2, 3, 7.....4,2,3, 7....7....7....7!!! This may not "translate" in print, but it was funny that the point was MIX IT UP. As I talk about in my blog, the biggest trick is Communication! Make some suggestions to him, without saying you don't like what he's currently doing. Do YOU mix it up for him? Even a different room of the house can make a difference sometimes.

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  AmeliaApple (4 weeks ago) Ladies and Gentlemen...I recommend checking out this list. Although it comes from a site called "Heartless Bitches International", the "Red Flag List" can be applied by both sexes. Pick the ones that most resonate with you and start considering them carefully...very interesting stuff: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml
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    Lulu2 (1 week ago) I checked out that & gave it to my girlfriend, wow there are sooo many items on that list that relates to my husband! According to the list I should put on my running shoes!

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  AmeliaApple (4 weeks ago) I read an article today about relationships and marriage (I read a good deal of these lately). In the article it talked about the part of a marriage that says, “Till death do us part.” I often had difficulty reconciling this commitment with the knowledge of how short life is and how, while we should do all we can to make our relationship work, you only get one life. In the article it talked about the “Till death do us part” and how we typically interpret this commitment as our physical death. Why do we automatically associate it with our physical death? Couldn’t it be referring to the death of our relationship? After all, when our relationships end, we grieve the same way as with the loss of a loved one. In another article, it talked about how a marriage or committed partnership creates a triumvirate; you as and individual, your partner as an individual, and your identity as a couple. When the relationship ends, your identity as a couple dies and, therefore, you grieve the death of that identity. So, when we say, “Till death do us part,” we really do mean it if we agree that the “death” referred to in the commitment includes the relationship itself. Or perhaps it has always referred to the relationship because, after all, when a love one dies, the relationship as we knew it has died as well. Any thoughts?
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    DivorceCoachLori (3 weeks ago) That is what that spirit of maat article was all about. What if we are soul mates meaning soul group spirits and we come together on earth to learn our lessons, and we learned what we need from each other, and divorce brings about all these gifts like self-reliance, self-esteem, integrity, spiritual and personal growth, etc, whatever it is you/we learn, and then we are done with that person and we move on to new life lessons?

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    paulmwd (4 weeks ago) That's very simliar to something I wrote about on my website. Rather than restate that here, I'll share something along the same lines. What hit me like a ton of bricks when my first wife left me and that marriage started barreling toward divorce was the notion that it takes TWO people to get married but only ONE person to create a divorce. While both partners in a marriage share responsibility when things go off track in a marriage (or in any relationship), it only takes ONE partner to end the marriage. Both people were probably sincere in their wedding vows, but that doesn't mean one person can't (or won't) change their mind. To me, it's like going to a dance. It truly does take two to tango. Once your partner walks off the dance floor (out of the dance hall, into the parking lot, jumps into a car, and drives off into the sunset) THAT dance is over, baby! The question is, what do YOU want to do NOW? The more you wait for that dance partner to come back, the more you put your NewLife on hold and disempower yourself. Now I'm not saying you just give up. But if there is NO ONE there to do the work with, you're on your own, like it or not. We can get ourselves stuck in "what is right" or "what is fair." The problem is, none of that changes our new reality. Acceptance, Forgiveness, Vision -- bedrock principles -- become our way out of the fog and into a NewLife.

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    Thinkitsover (4 weeks ago) @MomofTwo - Thank you so much for that.

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  AmeliaApple to kellybelly3995 (1 month ago) kellybelly3995...welcome to this site! Although I have not gone through exactly what you are going through right now, I can tell you that this site has been so helpful for me. Being a mother is the single most important thing anyone can do. I am not one myself, but without my mother...I would be lost. You are not a failure in any way, of that I am sure. Use this site and the people on it to help you find your way through this difficult time and please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I may not have had your experience, but I am willing to listen. Take care! AA
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    kellybelly3995 (1 month ago) Thank you Amelia, and your right I would not want anything more then to be the best mom I can. Thats the scary part, because I want to be strong, and its hard. I never want to lose my children, because their father is happy and content with his decision. However, how do you learn to accept the other women who has taken your place, and forgive. I know if I can do that it would be the best thing in the world for my kids.

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    MomOfTwo (1 month ago) I agree with AA - you are not alone and you certainly aren't a failure. Being a good homemaker and mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world and is often unappreciated. I do know some of the pain you are feeling when your children say things. I'm not sure what the ages of your children are, but sometimes flashy things like Dad taking them out places, eating out, and all the things you may not be able to afford to do, or have time to do seem more important to them now than how much they are loved by you. But they will realize this. It is a good time to point out "material" things in life vs. love, family, etc. It also sounds like you do need some help to get yourself onto healing. DivorceCoachLori on this site has some excellent materials to help you move past this period, regardless of the circumstances. Hang in there and try to find the blessings in your life and hold them close to your heart.

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  AmeliaApple (1 month ago) So...I thought we had everything arranged. My husband just told me that he a) forgot that we were meeting with the counselor tonight and b) that he can't make it. :-( So, we aren't going tonight.
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    MomOfTwo (1 month ago) just saw the blog & commented there. Keep smiling.

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    AmeliaApple (1 month ago) I rescheduled for next week. New post in the blog. :-)

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    MomOfTwo (1 month ago) Oh no. :( I hope there was a legitimate reason that he can't make it. I know this was the first really positive step he was taking. Hang in there...and reschedule!

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  AmeliaApple to DivorceCoachLori (1 month ago) Thank you for taking the time to respond. One of the things that triggered this consideration in me is the fact that I finished my Ph.D., have only one job that I love, and, for whatever reason, have started to examine myself, looking what I need in a relationship, and have become much more involved in my spiritual path. In the past, I’ve been a fulltime Ph.D. candidate working on coursework and writing my dissertation, fulltime employee at one company and had a part-time job elsewhere to make everything work financially (this while my husband was only a fulltime student…he kept complaining that he didn’t have enough time to do his work, so we decided it was best for him to just be a fulltime student). Sometimes I think I might resent him for this even though we made the decision together. I was just sick of hearing him complain about not having enough time. He now makes comments about how he slacks off and about how he doesn’t have enough time for his school work…it’s confusing to me. The best way to sum-up some of the issues in our relationship include: communication, validation, compassion and care giving, intimacy, and he has a bit of an anger problem, although it is only toward inanimate objects (hitting things)…there have been a few times, though, that he has done this in close proximity to me and it scared me quite a bit. He is also not terribly comfortable with the fact that I am going through a personal and spiritual “growth spurt” right now. It makes him anxious. What have we done: I’ve gone to a counselor alone trying to work through some issues and thinking that I could do all the work myself (I’ve since then realized that I cannot do the work for both of us); I’ve tried to talk to him about things…this usually ends up in a fight of some sort, although we recently had a very constructive discussion; and he has reluctantly agreed to go to a marriage counselor with me this Wednesday. So that’s a start. I don’t think my husband thinks the marriage should be over, but he does say things like, “Do you want this marriage to be over?” and, “Is this your opening line to asking for a divorce?” It’s said as kind of a threat, but I think he is just nervous about me changing. I’d like to read your article about the spiritual ramifications of staying or leaving a marriage. I can give you an email address privately if you want to send it to me.
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    DivorceCoachLori (1 month ago) My private email is lori@attorney-coach.com and you can send it to me there. How did the marrige counseling go yesterday? I think it's harder when you are not on the same page. Have you ever read anything by Gary Zukov? He has a book called "Seat of the Soul", it is a very spirtual life lesson book, talking about the purpose of relationships, why we are here on earth, etc. Then he has another book, I can't remember the name, but it is all about the "old fashioned man and the new fashioned woman and all the variations that go with that. What you are experiencing right now is that when you got married, you agreed to play certain roles and you are changing that now "without his consent" well, spiritually he agreed but he doesn't know it! :-) ok, I just saw off to the side that you have a blog about counseling alone. I'm going to read it now.

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  AmeliaApple to DivorceCoachLori (1 month ago) DivorceCoachLori....MomOfTwo said that she talked to you and it was very helpful...so I hope you don't mind me asking. I've read some on your blogs, but I wanted to ask about how you know when you want to leave a marriage? Especially when it isn't for reasons of abuse or alcoholism? I'm very confused about my relationship right now. He isn't a bad person, there are things he does that concern me, but over all he is a good husband. I'm just not sure at what point you know that you want and need the marriage to be over. I know there won't be a simple, clear answer, but any advice you can provide is greatly appreciated. AA
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    DivorceCoachLori (1 month ago) You are right! There is no clear answer, so in general, I always recommend that people do what they can to see if they can make their marriage work, so they can know when it is over that they did everything they can. That's just a very general rule. Can you tell me more about why you are thinking about leaving and what you have done to try to resolve the issues/problems? Does your husband also think that the marriage should be over? I once did an interview about the spiritual ramifications of staying or leaving a marriage. It was very interesting. I will try to find it and maybe that would help you. Lori

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  AmeliaApple (1 month ago) More and more I’m realizing that you can do very little to influence the course of your life and how it will progress...and this isn't a bad thing. All you can do is move forward, try to make the most of every, precious moment, and remember that you will always regret more of what you don’t do than of what you do.
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  AmeliaApple (1 month ago) My weekend alone is coming to an end and it has been a very positive experience. I'll be writing a post on my blog about it when I get home. In the mean time, I wanted to share a book with all of you: When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (1996) by Pema Chodron. She is a Buddhist nun. Please don't think about this book in terms of religion (I am still Christian even though I study this philosophy and meditate). It is advice on how to view pain and confusion in our lives in a positive experience that will open our hearts to become more compassionate toward ourselves and others and to stop trying to hold on to those things that are inherently impermanent. Here is a quote that I love: "If we are willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation."
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    MomOfTwo (1 month ago) I'm so glad you were able to get away. It sounds like it was a good thing to give you some time to just contemplate and connect with yourself. Very interesting quote.

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  AmeliaApple (1 month ago) You ever have one of those days where you feel all you have done is wrong and that you are "crazy"? What is crazy anyway? I was recently told I was "emotionally strung-out". I think that is actually the best way to describe the way I'm feeling. My retort is, however, at least I'm trying to work on things to make them better. Is that crazy? My view, and it very well may be wrong, is that most people are so complacent and don’t make the commitment to truly figure out what they need in a relationship. Is working on yourself and relationships crazy if it makes you a little “emotionally strung-out”? I think that is part of the process…it’s like cleaning your house. You can’t really get it clean if you don’t empty out the closet…right?
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    AmeliaApple (1 month ago) I'm happy that perhaps I'm not crazy...it's daunting and emotionally tiring work to take an honest look at yourself and your relationships. I realize that part of our problem is me and there are elements of who I am that I need to acknowledge, embrace even if I don't like them, and I must learn to peacefully exists with them. I need a partner that will not only work on our relationship to make it better, but can also give me the space to do the work I need to do on myself.

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    BlondesHaveMoreFun (1 month ago) My ex made the comment "you're not happy unless there are issues to talk about". I disagreed...I wasn't happy BECAUSE there were issues and I was tired of ignoring them. You are not crazy...when something in your gut is saying it isn't right...then it isn't right. So he needs to be a partner and work through it with you.

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  AmeliaApple (1 month ago) Topic of discussion...have you ever had so much anger at someone that you just don't know when you will stop thinking about it? I don't know if it is the same for others, but when I'm hurt or mad about something, the little voice in my head just doesn't seem to want to "let it go". It's a paradox. I want to forget it and move on, but my brain isn't finished yet.
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    MomOfTwo (1 month ago) ok, if you tell me next that you "Play out" the conversations with him out loud when driving in the car...reacting to each thing he says - until you realize that the driver next to you at the stoplight is looking at you like maybe you lost your mind....Then I'm going to think I have a long-lost twin in Texas. ;)

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  AmeliaApple (2 months ago) So my husband has reluctantly agree to see a marriage counselor with me...he isn't happy about it. He keeps telling me that he doesn't understand why we have to keep talking about it and that we've been talking about it forever (3 months at most). He says that we should only have to talk about it once or twice and then just do it...is that reasonable? I don't feel like our conversations are resolving anything. Am I being unreasonable? I'm trying to fix things, but he is so resistant. Is his resistance to working on our marriage a warning sign? He told me he would go with me to the counselor, but he knew it would just be a bitch session about him because there was nothing specific he could think of about his perception of me in the relationship. Is this nonsense? I'm so sad and scared. Am I doing the right thing to keep pushing to try to figure this out? Please help! AA
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    MomOfTwo (2 months ago) AA - I know it's scary, but even a reluctant attendance is better than no attendance. Sometimes counseling can be a way to bring out the good things too...to have you remember why you made this commitment to this person in the first place. Sometimes with the aid of that unbiased 3rd party, you can share your feelings in a guided manner that maybe he will understand better. Counselors can also teach you how to use "I statements" when talking to each other, that tend to not put the other person on the defense and have it end up in an argument, where even though you've "talked about it a million times" you've never resolved it. If you go into it with your eyes open and not thinking that one counseling session is going to solve everything...and that you can address a few concerns and get him to keep an open mind about attending a few sessions, then I think you could be off to a good start! Good luck!

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    john (2 months ago) Its common for spouses not to be on the same page as to the need for counseling. If you have a good one, they will help him see the necessity. Don't make it a bitch session, make it about how the marriage can improve for mutual benefit. When he can see this is for both of you and not just to gripe about his shortcomings he'll be more willing to participate. Good Luck.

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  AmeliaApple (2 months ago) Thank goodness it is Friday!
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    MomOfTwo (2 months ago) I hear that one! BTW, I think your Blog should be your daily journal...it is very insightful. And as I scheduled my over-due massage for this weekend...I can TOTALLY appreciate the gift of a day at the spa...even if it was a little overdue. Sounds like he IS trying!

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