There’s a great joke that lists about two dozen things that a man needs to do to please a woman, on the man’s list are two things: 1-Show up naked. 2-Have a pulse. While this is funny when read in a joke, most often the reason people laugh is because sometimes it seems SO true. Of course, men rarely are this simple and if you dig down underneath the layers of façade, true sexual intimacy is often not achieved for them either, but they still get to have an orgasm!
Well, life isn’t fair, is it? Sometimes we have to work a little harder when we “want it all”. That’s where education and communication comes in. My mantra now that I have discovered what it is like to have a rewarding sex life is “you need to know yourself first”.
Our younger generation may have it easier than we did. (Women over 40 that is) After all, they are in the “me” generation and apparently have shed some of the gene that makes us want to be caretakers of everything that breathes.
For those of us that have put ourselves at the end of a very long list of “To Dos”, it may be a little harder. Just Do It. You deserve it. Let the dishes wait. Say NO to the next babysitting request, or favor that comes your way. Not every time, but once in a while, put yourself and what you want first. Believe it or not, this can be very liberating, and you might just get used to it.
Now that you’ve MADE the time, you just might have enough energy to actually WANT to have sex. There’s still a little homework that needs to happen. You need to understand what works for you. If you haven’t discovered that masturbation is ok for women too…it will be more difficult for you to understand what works for you. (see former post!)
In the privacy of your own home, with no one else’s ego or feelings to consider, you have the tools to enable you to understand what works for you. For some who cannot muster the will to try this, you may be able to ask your partner to “experiment”. It can be done in a way that isn’t threatening their understanding of their current performance…only that you wants to “spice things up”. Many men will be game for this challenge.
For those of you that are able to talk with your partner, it can be a very open discussion that you have found new (good word to use, even if it is the ONLY way you’ve found) ways to reach orgasm and you would like to incorporate them into your lovemaking. Remember, that often men blame their sexual performance for your lack of enjoyment. As stated by Allan Schwartz, PhD, “I have met with countless numbers of women who complain that when they attempt to talk with their partner about something they do not like and something they would prefer instead, they are met with anger. The attempted discussion is perceived by the man as a criticism and attack on their masculine skills and abilities.” Dr. Schwartz Weblog. Be sure to approach the subject in a way that doesn’t challenge their capabilities or historical performance. Another suggestion is to have an “It’s All About You” night. Take turns where the only concern is your partner’s satisfaction…then ask him to return the favor.
Whatever approach you take, TAKE one. The health of your relationship will improve and you will be one step closer to intimacy if you tackle the physical side of the house. The emotional side will also benefit as you can become more honest and open with your partner. The Keys to the Kingdom (your sexual liberation) are yours. You only need to feel comfortable enough to give them to your partner.
If you are dealing with Life After Divorce…just be careful of how many “Keys” you give out. Sexual liberation shouldn’t be confused with promiscuity. Maintaining a healthy sense of self will make it so much easier to find a relationship that can be rewarding…in every way.
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