Dael623
Gender: Male
Location: Poulsbo, WA
Relationship Status: Considering Divorce / Breakup
Birthday: November 5th 1956
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Member Since: February 10th 2010
My Story:
I've been married for 30 years this April. Our kids are gone and it's just us. We've been in the same house for 25 years, we're both successful.
29 years ago, shortly after the birth of our first child, she tells me "I really don't enjoy sex and I don't think we're going to do that any more".
4 years later we had amazing sex for a month, and then she was pregnant with our second child.
Since then we have been intimate on the average of 3-5 times/year, but only if I instigated and insisted on the contact. The last 3 years have been completely celibate. I stayed in the marriage because of my kids but now I spend every day wishing I was out of this relationship. But I just don't have the intestinal fortitude to leave. It's driving me crazy!
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Dael623 (5 months ago) How did you/would you tell your spouse of 30 years that you're not happy living with them and want to live apart? You know there's going to be crying and kicking and screaming...so how did you /do you even broach the subject?
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DivorceCoachLori (5 months ago) The reality is that you will always be family in one way or another, so I always say to do it with love, compassion and grace, asking that the highest good be done for the both of you. So much of it is your intention behind the asking. Stay in a loving space and be there for each other. A friend of mine recently asked for a divorce, she had been unhappy for years! He didn't want it but finally relented and somehow she hass found peace, reconnection with him in a way that had not been there for 10 years, and she is honestly saying she loves him and WANTS to be with him and they are happy. I'm only saying this because, you never know and you don't want to totally close off all your options. Love is sometimes truly the answer.
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MomOfTwo (5 months ago) Unless it's mutually acceptable, having no intimacy in your marriage is not something that many people can live without. It sounds as though your wife believes sex is only for procreation and that's unfortunate. It sounds like it has been this way for so long, it would be difficult to try to change. I was married only 10 years, but with the kids still at home (I struggled with staying for them...but in the end want them to have a happy mom who may be with them less, but is there wholly in spirit) it was a very difficult decision. My husband did not want it and begged me to go back to counseling, but in my heart I knew we were not good together. I tried to be as compassionate as possible. I gave him all of the time to go through his reactions and we lived in the same house for 3 months (sleeping apart) while we worked through the issues. It gave us time to talk together, cry together and realize that it was the best thing for us to part. With a 30 year marriage, that is like a lifetime that will change. I think you need to talk to her when you have a few hours without interruption, and don't be anxious to get out of the house or leave after that. Stay with her and let her know that you will talk through what follows next as she processes her feelings. You can't avoid the emotions, but you can help by trying to be empathetic to her. good luck.
LOR (3 months ago) Did you tell your spouse? I can't seem to get through to my spouse that I need time apart before our marriage blows apart. No matter what he does, I am not happy. I really feel I need this space or else????