LOR
Gender: Female
Location: San Antonio, TX
Relationship Status: Married
Birthday: September 28th 1968
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Member Since: January 16th 2010
My Story:
Married for 15 years but find myself unhappy,a sense of complacency, drifted apart, different priorities, no interest. I need help. I think it is me, not my spouse. I am looking for commonalities as I grow older. I am not seeing anyone, but I do want to be happy again one day with spouse or someone else. My Father passed in Feb 2009, since then I feel like something has changed in me, life is too short. a sense of grown confidence, a new me. I have goals and dreams, I feel I am alone in this marriage. My spouse loves me, great Father and provider, but yet I am not happy. Please provide advice.
Survey Responses
When a Simple Status just doesn't cover it:Married & Numb
What went wrong?Poor Communication:, Change in Priorities, Lack of Conflict Resolution:
How many years have you been divorced?none
Would you remarry?Yes
How many years were you married (or committed together)?15
At what age did you get divorced?n/a
How many children did you have with your ex-spouse?2
How many times have you been officially divorced?none
How many times have you been married?once
Education: Bachelor's Degree
Religion: Christian / Catholic
Goal you would like to achieve this year: resolution to my marriage, either fix it or abort it.
Why am I here: Help, Meet others in my situation, Vent frustration
My Friends (12)
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0ne4u
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1robin
Truckee, CA -
66twizzler
Maple Heights, OH -
ageorgedvm
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2ndgener
Blackwood, NJ
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Mentor Moms Group
2 Members
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LOR (2 months ago) So would you recommend a separation first before a divorce? My husband of 16 years does not. He does not understand how a separation will help us. In my mind it can serve two purposes: make you realize how much you miss him and need him in your life or how much happier you are without him in your life. Currently we are in the same household and never speak to each other. He is downstairs and I am upstairs. This is not healthy for us or kids. I would rather be apart and have a reason why we are not talking. Please advice...
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Lulun (2 months ago) I would highly recommend it, given the reasons you mentioned. I separated from my ex before divorcing. We had been separated for a few months, where I had time to really think about our issues and how I had contributed to them. Once we decided to give it another try and started discussing the issues that had us fighting to begin with, all he could see where my flaws which he magnified and did not even acknowledge that he had made one mistake throughout our relationship. It was like all his insecurities, flaws, mistakes (even ones that he made before he met me) were my fault. At that point, I had decided that what I needed, more than what I wanted was a divorce and being separated made it clearer and easier to cope with the divorce process.
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LOR (2 months ago) Anyone open to offering advice. I dont know what to do. In a 15 year marriage to a great man whom I am not happy with......LOR
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LOR (2 months ago) Thank you Happy Haskett. I am glad I am not alone and the only one going through this process. Your words have helped. I need to do my pros and cons list, maybe a temporary separation will help me decipher which way to go. LOR
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HappyHaskett (2 months ago) I have been in your shoes. Happily married for years and then all of a sudden (or so it seemed), I was not happy, not feeling the love and def didnt know what to do. I went in the wrong direction, unfortunately. I gravitated towards a man who gave me all kinds of attention, compliments and then began comparing him to my husband. For me, it was the reality of what it would do to my children and the fact that we had been together so long, but I hadnt tried to fix the problem.......that made me deal with it. It certainly wasnt easy. Heck, its still not always easy. But we are working our way back to what we had. Talking.......lots and lots of communication......that and lots of prayer, those are the things that are helping us to heal our relationship!
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MomOfTwo (2 months ago) LOR - it is hard when you feel you are changing and your partner is staying the same. John's experience with divorce isn't everyones. Although my husband didn't initially want a divorce, as we continued to talk through it, he supported my decision and we came to agreeable terms. Lots of compromise...and if you are the one wanting out, sometimes you may make more. But it's not all blood-thirsty lawyers out there...mine was good, honest & fair. The start is the two of you. But be careful that this is the right decision for you. I just lost my mom in October, and it is still in my mind & heart. You look through your life, start to think of things with regret that you didn't do, wonder if your life will turn out like theirs, so many things going through your head. In addition, the one thing I read "between the lines" in your story is that you think your husband isn't making you happy, but someone else could. Leaving one relationship to "find yourself" in another is a recipe for disaster. I was told the same thing...and didn't listen. After my first divorce, I had a 2-year relationship and then after a very short period of dating, met my second husband. I was so "ready" to be married & start a family that I ignored many of the things that said he & I didn't have what it takes to have a lasting marriage. You may want to try adding other things to your life (things you may have always wanted to try and haven't) that can fill that void that you think is your relationship...maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.
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MomOfTwo (2 months ago) I agree with Lulun...a separation can be a good thing before moving to a divorce. My ex and I didn't separate because he didn't want to leave our children, but we did arrange different rooms for us and it enabled us some time alone...but also time to talk through things. In the end, although it was my suggestion, he agreed that we were better off moving on with a divorce. After 16 years, there should be no hurry to proceed. Taking time to be sure that your issues cannot be resolved is an important step in the process. BTW, my children were very young, so I did need to explain that "Daddy and I aren't getting along very well right now, and we need some time to work through some of these problems." That was enough at their young age.