Lulun
Gender: Female
Location: Brookline, MA
Relationship Status: Separated
Birthday: November 1st 1983
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Member Since: December 7th 2009
My Story:
Survey Responses
When a Simple Status just doesn't cover it:Separated & Miserable
What went wrong?Poor Communication:, Lack of Commitment:, Addictions:, Failed expectations of spouse:, Lack of Conflict Resolution:
Would you remarry?Yes
How many years were you married (or committed together)?9 months
How many times have you been married?1
Education: Bachelor's Degree
Religion: Muslim / Islam
What type of relationship do you have with your ex-spouse: Poor: we can't even look at each other
Why am I here: Help, Vent frustration
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Lulun (7 months ago) Hello all, just finished reading a book by Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", it has helped me understand what really happened in my relationship with my ex. The author has worked with and treated men with emotional and physical abuse problems. If any of you have gone through something like this, I recommend picking up this book.
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Lulun (8 months ago) I don't know if "congratulations" or "condolences" is the right word when you are officially divorced. I am officially no longer part of a twosome..I do not know whether to celebrate or to mourn. I mean rationally and logically I did the right thing by leaving an emotionally abusive man, but I feel like I lost the man I love. Is it wrong to mourn this loss when he had treated me so bad? I feel confused..I am taking a little trip to try and clear my mind and find a way to start over...hope that helps!
DivorceCoachLori (8 months ago) Tony Robbins says being confused is the step right before a major breakthrough or ah-ha moment. So, being confused is a really good thing. It is so amazing the paradox of loving a man and knowing he is wrong for you. The logical part of you is like, this doesn't make sense and the emotional side is but I love you! Don't fight it, it's ok to FEEL the way you feel and still do what you know is best. Emotional abuse is debilitating and you have a right to be treated with love and respect. Just an fyi - my divorce support group starts tonight and there is room for one more, if you want in, go to www.transcendingdivorce.com to sign up. Lori
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Lulun to MomOfTwo (9 months ago) Thank you MomOfTwo, it feels great to know that someone is going through the same thing, none of my family members or friends have been through anything like this, and I try to put a smile on my face when I'm around them as not to be a "grouch", while all the while feeling like i just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Im trying to feel positive by reminding myself that I dodged a bullet and that I have cut my losses since there are no children involved, I haven't spoken to my husband since the separation but i feel like i need to have an honest conversation with him, but my parents are not recommending this because they don't want me to get hurt by something he might say, what do you think?
MomOfTwo (9 months ago) Lulun, it's tough to say without knowing the circumstances...was there abuse emotional or physical? Much different advice if that's the case. You will get a lot of advice from parents & friends...so it's hard to know what to listen to. I can just give you my perspective. Without children involved, it is a little easier to separate your lives and not have to maintain a friendly relationship with your husband, but it is still helpful for the divorce process if both parties can work together. Getting an understanding of where you are coming from, whether he agrees with it or not, would be the first step toward doing that. You should also be prepared to listen to him. Some people faced with this situation are so angry and hurt that they can't see past it to realize it may be the best thing for them as well. This is when it gets tough. Here is a great link: http://www.mediationworksnorth.org/a/j/tips/17-effective-confrontation - whether you are trying to reconcile, or just trying to tell him why you made this choice, it would be good to sit down and plan out your conversation and prepare yourself. Hope this was helpful.
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Lulun (9 months ago) I feel guilty about putting myself in this situation, separated after 6 months of marriage then asking for divorce at 9 months...How could I have been so blind and stupid? I blame myself and its hard to cope with this
johnlove (4 months ago) Hello dear one, i hope to meet a noble and clever woman who will make my life more interesting and add more sense to it. I respect old traditional value of family life very highly, and I know I will be a good husband for my life-partner,age intelligent with a good sense of humor. I would like to meet a nice woman with whom I could feel happy and comfortable and who will be my best friend and faithful life-partner for the rest of my life. I am ready to be a good husband for her and to give all my love to him till the end of the road. Here is my email: [johnford4real50@yahoo.com] I am waiting to get a reply from you. Remember distance or colour does not matter but true love matters alot in life. I will stop here and be waiting to here from you soon in my main box. Bye for now. And remain blessed. Yours Sincerely,
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MomOfTwo (9 months ago) It's natural to feel what your feeling when making these hard decisions. Realizing that you've selected the wrong partner so soon after marriage is difficult, but staying in a bad relationship is even worse. I feel that I ignored warning flags (and the comments from some friends) and married feeling they would get better. Guess what? Some of the same things that bothered me in the beginning, were there in the end. Sometimes we want the relationship more than we want the person themselves. And sometimes it takes being blind to help us see better in the future.
john (8 months ago) I wouldn't be surprised if your feelings are rather common. You once loved your spouse, it is natural to have feelings of loss. Paradoxically there may be feelings of relief that the "divorce process" is over. Just realize that each emotion has its reasons and place. Hope your trip was pleasant and refreshing.