MomOfTwo
Gender: Female
Location: Cleveland, OH
Relationship Status: Single
Birthday: July 10th 1975
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Member Since: November 21st 2009
My Story:
I'm happy where I am right now, but wanted to see if I could get some good advice on this site, and share some of the things that worked for me and my ex.
I was married for the first time at 19 to my HS sweetheart. After 5 years of marriage, I chose to leave as he was an alcoholic that refused to get help.
I dated someone too soon after my divorce and ended up living together for 2 years before realizing that I met him when I was in the "needy" stage of my life. He liked that person...but as I got stronger and got back to "my old self" he thought I was changing into someone else.
I married someone that was fun, enjoyed spending time together but did tend to argue a lot. I pushed those arguments away as I wanted to move on with my life, get married, have children. I thought our issues could be "worked out". Ten years later, many of the same problems were the root cause of our arguments. Instead of complimenting each other, we seemed to be better people when we were not together.
I thought of staying together for my children, but I have seen too often where people did that, and provided a horrible example to their children of what relationships should be like.
I have been divorced for four years now, and have complete peace with my decision. My children are happy & well adjusted. My ex just got engaged, so I know that another chapter will enter into this book, but I'm optimistic that we can work through it.
I look to others on this site for advice and share what has worked for me in my situation. I have had my share of downs...but I am happy to say that I'm on a major up right now. For those of you struggling in the middle of it, there is hope.
Survey Responses
When a Simple Status just doesn't cover it:Divorced & Dating
What went wrong?Poor Communication:, Change in Priorities, Lack of Conflict Resolution:
How many years have you been divorced?3
Would you remarry?Yes
How many years were you married (or committed together)?10
How many children did you have with your ex-spouse?2
How many times have you been officially divorced?2
How many times have you been married?2
Education: Bachelor's Degree
Religion: Christian / Catholic
What type of relationship do you have with your ex-spouse: Good: no hard feelings
Why am I here: Meet others in my situation
My Friends (39)
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ronni
Willoughby, OH -
tjb942us
Greeley, CO -
deee
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brianj
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AlisonEliza...
Hopkinton, MA
My Blogs
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Music Recovery
Posted: 02/06/2010 -
There's No EX in...
Posted: 12/12/2009
My Groups
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Mentor Moms Group
2 Members
My Events
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My Photos
My Public Photos
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MomOfTwo (2 days ago) Ok - to my DivorceNetwork posse...need a little help on this one. My Ex and I have done a great job to date with our shared custody arrangement...but it isn't always easy. THIS one I'm struggling with...and any advice or comments you can post on my blog would be MUCH appreciated.
Comment
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MomOfTwo (7 days ago) To AFormerMarine - it is a terrible way to find out that someone has been cheating on you, and I understand that you're hurt & betrayed. I saw your blog series title that you wanted to know if you could sue the man for cheating with your wife. I guess the thing to ask is what do YOU hope to gain from it? Regardless of temptations by others, it is our spouses who cheated and who made the choice to be unfaithful.
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MomOfTwo to iwillbeok (2 weeks ago) sorry I missed your Instant Message. After my first divorce..not long enough. A month after we were separated...maybe. And it ended up being a long term relationship that didn't work. I was in a really NEEDY stage which is NOT like me at all. So when I started to get back to "normal" he thought I was changing, when I was really just getting back to my old self. It has been 4 years since my divorce this time, but I would say I was ready to date after 1 year or so...just didn't put my personal life as a priority as it was hard enough to juggle work, home, kids, etc.
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MomOfTwo (3 weeks ago) Love this: More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson
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MomOfTwo to iwillbeok (3 weeks ago) I like your tag line...and you really will. My first divorce was from my husband of only 5 years (i was married at 19) and it was because he wouldn't get help with his alcoholism. I can't imagine having to deal with that situation with kids involved. You are doing the right thing...and once you make it through this, life will feel so much more peaceful. Good luck.
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MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) It sounds like you have taken a really good approach, and it's good to hear that the kids are in counseling. I wish I had that opportunity as a child dealing with my mother's alcoholism after the divorce from my father....it may have been able to help me break the cycle that I fell into sooner! it sounds like you may have already found an Alanon group. I found it hard to find a group to connect with, but I did go and some of the materials helped, as well as a close friend who was in AA. understanding and accepting is half the battle. Good luck
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iwillbeok (2 weeks ago) My kids are 8, 9, and 12. They understand he is an alcoholic, but like all kids they just want their family unit intact. I am searching for serenity . It will take time. All the kids have been in counseling since last August. It seems to help
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MomOfTwo (3 weeks ago) how old are your kids? Is he fighting you on the divorce?
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MomOfTwo to (1 month ago) KellyBelly - I just bought this CD and when I heard this song I immediately thought of you and how painful this part of the process is. Music has always been an outlet for me, so I started a new blog to share songs like this one. Maybe when you listen to it you will find hope and strength to help get through this difficult time.
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kellybelly3995 (1 month ago) Yhank you so much, for your support and thoughts.
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MomOfTwo to AmeliaApple (1 month ago) I read your latest blog post...it's good to see you found some support and can feel comfortable now reaching out to some friends. My best friend was a godsend during my "thinking about it" stage...being very honest with me where she saw me contributing to the issues and not just always "taking my side". It really helped me to evaluate if I had done all that I could to resolve the issues. I hope your weekend alone can help you in this process.
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tjb942us (1 month ago) My best friends have been my rock through this process the "thinking about it" stage is the most difficult. Your friends see things from a different perspective than your family and they know you on a different level. It is great to have someone to vent to.
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MomOfTwo (1 month ago) Yea, I hear you. My parents "sided" with my first husband (who worked for my dad at the time)- because they said they wouldn't support me in the divorce if I wouldn't explain to them the reasons why. I didn't want to cost him his job & his marriage. 5 years later, as his alcoholism caused him to repeatedly have situations at work, my dad had to fire him. At this point, they tried to say, they understood. I explained to them the concept of "unconditional love" for their children...apparently they missed that lesson in parenting class! ;) Everyone from the outside can provide feedback and opinions but at the end of the day, it is your life to lead...and if they love you, the biggest thing they need to provide is support.
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AmeliaApple (1 month ago) The realization that I can trust people who know me has been very helpful in relieving my stress about the issue. I tend to be one of those people that do not trust others about my personal life. I don't think talking to my family is terribly helpful, though. My mom...perhaps, but my dad tends to have the archaic beliefs that you should just “stand by your man” and not cause a fuss. It’s quite entertaining at times.
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MomOfTwo (2 months ago) Confessions of an ex wife today. I love decorating. I love making the home a beautiful place. I grew up with TONS of nick-nacks and junk everywhere...so I like things very neat and clean. During counseling I found out that my way of dealing with anger & hurt on the inside, is to make everything perfect on the outside....not a bad habit, but detrimental to those who DONT. This comic made me laugh, but a bit too much truth to it. Now as a single mom, I have had to lower some of my standards, because there just aren't enough hours in the day. Don't get me wrong, I still would RATHER have things clean and it makes me feel good when they are, but if the laundry sits unfolded in the baskets for a few days...where everyone can see....well, so what. The hardest thing about living with someone else is the little daily annoyances, but if we realize that we're let things go too sometimes, it would allow us to let others do so as well. Ironically, I will probably pay the price as my current boyfriend is actually more of a neat freak than I am. The phrase, "Be careful what you wish for" comes to mind! :)
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MomOfTwo (2 months ago) LOL - well at least you get some exercise out of it! :) Nice chatting with you today! bye
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AmeliaApple (2 months ago) Cute! I'm the same way...I compensate and deal with things by tending to the outside...my mechanisms are exercising, cleaning, and coffee.
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DivorceCoachLori (1 month ago) That is sooo true. It was like that with my 2nd husband. I use to complain all the time about having a 3rd child. I had a book on my coffee table when I was an attorney that was entitled, "Would you marry be and become my Mommy."
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MomOfTwo to Spectrex (2 months ago) I'm sure that you have a lot of hurt and the time spent in a loveless relationship can drain you like nothing else. There is hope. Each day you make it through this kind of trial in your life can make you stronger. I'm glad you have come to this site - you can see that you are not alone. Let those that have been through it, help you see that you really can overcome.
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MomOfTwo to AmeliaApple (2 months ago) I saw your friend request and read your story. This is a tough one. Did you EVER feel loved by your husband? before you were married? Was there passion before? With just reading your description it sounds like it has always been this way, but you have more recently understood your needs. Have you been able to express these thoughts to him & talk to him? I worked 50+ hours a week and my employer paid for my college, but it took me almost 10 years to complete my degree. It felt like all I did was work & do homework, so the passion was often not there at the end of the day. And it was especially hard, if I didn't feel like the love that I needed was there. (My favorite phrase is "foreplay starts in the morning" - in other words, if you're not nice to me all day, and then when you decide you want some "nooky" you suddenly warm up to me, I'm not going to be "in the mood"). I also feel like I changed a lot based on the work experience, college, and changes that I went through as I matured. Although I had seen plenty of other marriages that were WAY worse than mine...it still wasn't enough for me. But I can say that my ex and I went through 3 different counselors trying to find a way to make it work, and even did some work volunteering at our church to help other couples getting married, but if anything the latter just pointed out to me what we were lacking. Good luck. I'll be on the site tomorrow, but have plans tonight! :)
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AmeliaApple (2 months ago) To answer your question. Yes, he loves me...this I am certain, but he has become complacent about me and our relationship. Whenever I try to talk about our relationship and explain the magnitude of the situation, he shuts down and says things like, "I don't want to go searching for problems when there aren't any." This was a response to me asking him to take a few days to really consider what he needs to be happy in a relationship (at the direction of my counselor). I also need to take responsibility for my feelings toward our relationship as well. I'm not sure if I want to be with him for the "long-haul" as they say. Passivity and complacency is not for me. I all but know for certain that if I asked for a divorce, he wouldn't put up much of a fight to keep us together. He will not go with me to a marriage counselor. His response to most of my concerns includes "we'll just have to deal with it" and "I thought we already talked about that." I know some of his behavior comes from his rocky childhood, but at some point we all have to take hold of our lives and relationships and move on. Either you're in all the way, or you aren't. Once again, I want to thank you for responding. It means a lot to me to hear from someone who has gone through this. AA
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AmeliaApple (2 months ago) Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a great deal to me. My computer died this morning, so I am replying via BlackBerry. I did not want you to think I was ignoring or unapreciative of your reply. I will reply tomorrow. Take care. AA
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MomOfTwo (2 months ago) Very interesting video on Gay Marriage. The biggest flaw in it, is trying to make "sense" of some of our governments ideas!
-tM0Pg_KKV8
Dan Savage on What the Institution of Marriage MeansIt has been redefined over time, and means different things to different people. -
MomOfTwo to CowgirlKathi (2 months ago) Wow - when I read through others stories, I think it is the ones like yours where there is just a sudden change that comes from out of the blue that must be the hardest to deal with. For me...it was slowly something that takes over until you realize you've really stopped trying or caring to try. How great that you have found someone. (In my lifestyle online dating was the only way to go...and it worked for me). I think too many people still think of it as "desperate" but luckily popularity of social networks are making it more common place & less scary to people. Congratulations on your new life! Many happy wishes.
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MomOfTwo to Lost1360 (2 months ago) I have also been divorced twice. I was married at 19, and 5 years later divorced due to alcoholism. That was my "didn't count....I was too young". Six years later I married again, but in between I was never really alone long enough to heal. I had been in counseling, but often ignored the counselors suggestions. Looking back, it is easy to see that she was right, but each decision is both wrong and right. I have two beautiful children and they have a loving father...just not the right person for me. It has been 4 years this time, and I have spent PLENTY of alone time. I have finally met someone I truly feel compatible with and shows me that he cares deeply for me. We're taking it slow...sometimes too slow for me, as I loved being married---the day to day simple things that come with having someone to come home to. But I know it is good to look at today and not rush to what we think we want...but to get to know more about each other each day. BTW - thank God for the Internet...as I was working too much & with small kids at home felt like I had no social life. Facebook & sites like this are a good way to meet / stay in touch with people and not feel totally alone. I also met my BF online. If you try that---be patient. It isn't always like the commercials...but persistence will prevail!
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MomOfTwo to takn4granted (2 months ago) welcome to DN. It sounds like you have searched for love for a long time. I felt very much the same way... While I thought I was truly in love with both of my ex husbands, in looking back, I wasn't ready for marriage. And I didn't truly love them "as they were". It's funny how often we hear the advice, "you can't change a man" but each of us thinks a) WE can, even though others before us have failed to do so and b) I'm really not trying to change him THAT much.... It sounds as if you are slowly coming to grips with the fact that you need to feel loved, and deserve to have love given in return. First, you have to love yourself enough to make the next step happen. I hope that he will not make that part as difficult as the last 22 years. My best advice is to stay true to yourself. Be a loving person through the divorce as you were in marriage. When you fight and accuse, it makes the other person want to fight back. If they are the only one fighting and you don't return fire, it takes the wind out of their sails. Good luck.
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MomOfTwo (3 months ago) The holiday season sure does bring out the emotion. My mom passed away in October and this is my first Christmas without her. My ex (of 4 years) proposed to his girlfriend and told me & the kids the other day. I am very happy for them and was pleased that the news didn't bother me as I feel he & I have really done a good job after the divorce of talking through things and wish each other only happiness. The difficult one was this morning when my daughter, after saying, "your the BEST Mommy in the whole world!" ...who doesn't like hearing THAT? Followed with, "With Daddy getting married, now I'll have a StepMom...I think I can call her Mom too then." STAB. Wow. A little different effect. After she saw my tears well up she felt bad, but I comforted her and let her know that she could call her that if she wanted, but it would take a little time for Mommy to get used to it. In the end, I have another good-hearted, kind person who will lavish my children with love. When my choice to divorce is what made this scenario possible, what better outcome could there be? What more could a mother ask for her children? I will thank God for my blessings this year. I lost my Mom, but my children will have two loving moms. Merry Christmas.
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MomOfTwo (3 months ago) Best advice of the day: Surround yourself with positive people. I was having one of those "overwhelmed" days where it just seemed like I had the wind taken out of my sails. Then I spoke to someone who was so energized and positive that I totally felt rejuvenated. Thanks to all my Positive Peeps...you keep me going!
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MomOfTwo (3 months ago) I watched a wonderful movie "Fireproof" about Marriage Reconciliation this weekend with my boyfriend. The movie is shown in many Christian bookstore fliers as a topseller and there are workbooks and other materials you can get to help you try to mend / examine your marriage. Highly recommend this!
Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.comThe OFFICIAL website of the FireproofMyMarriage.com -
