Custody starts with "C"
And "C" is for Children. It doesn't start with "M" for Mom or "D" for Dad. This is a good mantra to say to yourself as you start down this journey of Divorced with Kids.
When I had my children, life as I knew it came to a screeching hault. I did maintain friendships and do things outside the home, but I wanted to spend more time with my little ones. After all, it was hard enough to leave them to go to work 3-4 days a week. My husband, was a very attentive and involved father, but did still keep most of his activities. "But I've always done..." was a favorite expression, whether it was a night out with the guys, sports, or some other event. My response back was "Well I've always slept through the night too...but I don't get to do that anymore!"
So it becomes about comparisons. I spend more tme with them, I do a better job dressing them, I'M the one who woke up in the middle of the night for 11 months. I, I, I. But when he would pick them up, or read them a book, or feed them, bathe them...they would look at their Daddy with sweet little innocent eyes in adoration. So how could I even consider divorce? How can I miss one kiss goodnight, one lullaby in the rocker? It would break my heart. But so would staying. Somewhere in our years of marriage, my husband and I lost each other. One thing we still shared in common was that we loved our children more than anything.
And that is what I had to remember during the months that followed. While I was the one who asked for a divorce, I would never deny my husband the right to see his kids. And more importantly, I didn't have the right to deny my kids their Daddy. I had hoped that I would have them a little more, but would not argue when he said he wanted 50% custody. Wow. I would miss out on HALF of my children's lives. Their short childhood goes by too quickly as it is. Half?
Four years later, my children are happy and well adjusted to their life in two houses. I hope that you will find some advice in my blog to help you. If you are still determining custody arrangements or even battling over it, I urge you to try to put yourself and your spouse aside. Forget about the hurt, anger, etc. Focus on one thing...what is best for your kids?
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john (9 months ago) No Cus words please... It may be just semantics, but the word "custody" is a terrible word. If I could improve the court system, I'd turn the term "custody" upside down, its not about parents having custody of their children, it is about the children having custody of (free and equal access to) their parents. But the courts semantics are half the problem, they are only too happy to adopt PC language just for lip service. Officially my ex and I have a "shared parenting plan". Practically, it only applies to the title of a 31 page document that without the title would be easily recognized as a "sole custody arrangement" by anyone who could stomach to read it through to the end. As my lawyers told me, it has the "goal and potential" to be shared. Two more years of post decree litigation and that goal is no where in sight. Nolo has a very thorough book on building a "Parenting Plan" (today's PC alternative to "custody"). But the main prerequisite to any such endeavor is to understand that the children are not chattel to be won, lost, or traded. They didn't choose divorce and shouldn't have to choose a parent. THEY should have equal CUSTODY of both their parents. I'm glad things have turned out well for your children, your post title and closing sentences should certainly be given strong consideration during every divorce.