I’ve always been pretty good at sharing. One of three sisters, we shared everything from toys to makeup and secrets. But I’ve discovered there is one thing that I will have to work on a little bit before I’m good at sharing it…my title of “Mom”.
Over the holidays, my husband and his girlfriend got engaged. I am very happy for them. She is a wonderful woman who has been fantastic with my kids and from my observations, a much better fit for my Ex than I was. The part that is hard, is that darn title of “Mom” (or I still prefer Mommy…and am a little sad that my “babies” now 7 and 9 are growing out of that). It’s not that I feel that you have to give birth to a child to earn that title, or that it’s given out on a first come, first serve basis. It’s a million feelings from present and past wrapped up into a single word.
From my childhood, it was also not an uncomplicated thing. My Mom was an alcoholic. After having primary custody of us when her and my Dad were divorced (I was five), by third grade we moved in with my Dad full time. Shortly after, my Mom lost visitation rights because she couldn’t be trusted to be there and sober when it was her time to visit. My Dad had remarried and I now had a StepMom. She did all the things that a Mom is supposed to do, cooked, provided clean clothes and home, nursed us when we were sick. There is great comfort for children knowing we could count on this person every day with consistency. But, where my Mom was a naturally loving, affectionate person, my StepMom was not. However, without my Mom in my life, we did choose to call our StepMom, “Mom”. At one point my StepMom wanted to adopt us, and wanted my Mom to sign away her rights. Even in her darkest time, my Mom refused.
How grateful I am now that she did. How sorry I am, even as a child, to have allowed for that question to have ever been asked of her. Years later, my Mom would meet and marry my StepDad and together they became sober. As an adult with work, college and everyday life getting in the way, I got to know my Mom. Never would this time makeup for the large gap in our lives that was a result of the horrible disease of alcohol and, as we later learned, Bipolar disorder. One lesson my Mom taught me though, was UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Everything that she did, everything that she said to us, was done in love. She told us she was proud of us (something we seldom heard from our StepMom). She worried about us, but out of concern that we wouldn’t have the hardships in life that she did. She watched our children as infants and showed them the love that only a Grandma can. My Mom passed away suddenly only a few months ago. The regrets that I have are many, but one of my biggest is that in any way my Mom might have felt that by giving someone else the title, they could replace her.
My children’s situation is so very different from mine. I have to remember that my actions and attitude should reflect the current situation, not the past. When my daughter said she might want to call her StepMom, Mom…I told her it was hard for me to hear. But if that is what she wanted, then I would get used to it. She told me in her sweetest voice, accompanied by a kiss, that “YOU are still the BEST Mom EVER, Mommy!” That was all I needed to hear.
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