If you think marriage is a commitment, making the final agreement divorce and child custody can seems like it is cast in concrete forever…or at least till the kids are 18. This can be a pretty scary thing since many of us have no idea how the shared parenting situation is going to work out.
“Tuesday nights work for me now, but will they in 2 years?”
“What if something changes with my job?”
Two key components of successful joint custody are Structure and Flexibility. You need to have some structure. A Schedule that works most of the time. With joint custody everyone can benefit from having a schedule – as they can work most of their everyday things around the schedule. Children especially need this consistency in everyday routines when the divorce first happens. They are standing on some shaky ground, because they formerly thought they could count on things like “Mom & Dad are always here for me”. And now…well, they aren’t always. At least not in the same way as before the divorce and child custody wasn’t an issue.
Flexibility is also a critical part of joint custody. However, with too much flexibility, you lose Structure. No one knows what is expected or when. Often parents use these situations to “get back” at their former spouse. They make them feel guilty if they can’t spend their time with the kids, or they purposefully try to change schedules just to ruin the other’s plans. This soon backfires when they have a need for a change, and the other party isn’t interested.
Some special events that occur in your child’s life should be able to be shared with both parents. Try to do your best to inform the other parent as soon as the information is available. Be flexible to make changes to plans if they can accommodate both mom and dad being there. When there is a conflict in schedule, do your best to determine whose circumstances are the most critical and try to accommodate them. The rewards will come back to you when you need it the most.
Above all else, when you are feeling like the joint custody isn’t so “shared” – communicate that with the other person. No one likes to be taken advantage of. If there is frequent abuse of the schedule and flexibility given…sometimes saying “No” may be the most appropriate answer.
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