So the past few years since the divorce have been about sacrifice for me. I made the choice to leave the comfort of a two-income family and along with it the security of knowing if one of you lost your job, the other's salary could maintain the essentials.
I also made a choice to buy out my Ex from our brand new home - in retrospect a bad choice given where we were at in our marriage, but sometimes you think just a change like that will "make you happy". The home is too much for one income. We attempted to sell it at first, but it was a tough market, during the holidays and not moving. So in order to be able to move forward, I made the choice to take a little 401K, get an equity line...and buy him out.
My plan was if I could stay for two years maybe the market would turn and I could sell it and get something smaller for myself. This would give my small children the stability of staying in "their home" while still adjusting to the back and forth of going from Moms to Dads. Well, the market does not cooperate with our silly little plans. If I sold my home today it would be giving it away.
In addition, I lost my job back in May and you can't really get a mortgage for a new smaller home without a paycheck. So my finances took an even bigger hit.
One point of clarification. I'm the one paying child support. My ex is a teacher and I have always made a little more than him. In Ohio, even though we are split custody 50/50 and split all expenses, they try to "even" out the lifestyle so I pay him some child support. Not alot, but it's a car payment's worth. Speaking of which my minivan has 130K miles on it and a hood that is rusting now. I never thought I'd be driving a rusty old minivan, but we adapt. It sits in the garage of my nice home most of the time, so it is a sacrifice. Even during my unemployment, I continued to pay my full child support.
So - when after four years, I ask my Ex how much he is putting away for college as I'm meeting with my financial advisers and am finally ready to start saving again...even if it's just a little. I find out the answer is ZERO. For the past 4 years. He has a smaller house, but he's bought a 2nd car - used though it may be, his Porche. He has his motorcycle. He bought a new SUV. He bought a Big screen TV, Wii, XBox 360 and clothes, etc. He's gone on big vacations, although some of these expenses were because his girlfriend had work perks. But really? Nothing?
Deep Breaths. I decided FOR ONCE to shut my mouth and think about what I would say. I told him I'd like him to think about it, and that we could talk about it later. He's now engaged, and will again have a dual income. While I know that has nothing to do with our financial arrangement with the kids, it certainly does make life easier for him.
This one I could use some advice on....Any thoughts?
Comments
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DivorceCoachLori (4 months ago) Oh I could even feel myself not breathing as I read that! I know it is maddening! And the courts will NOT order college costs, so basically, if you want college for the kids paid for, guess who gets to do it? Re: child support, you are allowed to go back to court for a review every two years or for change of circumstances. You have a change of circumstances request and should use it and then take any $ you save vis a vis child support for the kids. If he is getting married soon, I'd wait until after the marriage to file. Still, even solving the legal issues isn't the issue, you want him to want to take care of the kids in the same way you do. In a marriage, you have more influence. Spiritual prayers may work here....xoxo
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MomOfTwo (4 months ago) thanks for the comments! Will approach with the financial adviser and "share" the info with him to see if I can get him on board. As a Teacher he values the education and wants the same things for them...just may take a different approach.
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singleagain (4 months ago) Hi. Not sure what i can offer to you for advice, but here it goes. Instead of asking him straight out to put money away for college, maybe ask him to help save in this manner. http://www.upromise.com/ Its really simple, saves money for the kids education on things you need to buy anyways. This may be an easier pill to swollow then being asked to "put $XXX.XX " away each month. Hope this helps. Good Luck!