We were sitting on the sofa reading when my 8-month pregnant wife suddenly threw me a curve ball.
“You know, it’s not really fair that I’ve been carrying this baby for 9 months, then I have give birth and THEN I have to breast feed too. If things were fair, you should have to be the one to breast feed for the first year.”
Uh, oh. I knew immediately this was one of those husband no-win conversations. I’ve been down this road before. My mind instantly flashed ahead and considered my options. I could argue the ridiculousness of her statement. I could rationally state that as a man, my evolutionary responsibility is to spread my seed as much as possible to perpetuate our species and that actually caring and feeding any offspring I produce is not in my biological job description. I could’ve gone that route. But I’m not an idiot and didn’t want her to kick my ass.
So, I simply said “Yeah, that’s a great idea honey. I suppose men breastfeeding would be more fair.” And then I quickly buried my head back into the sports section and prayed maybe that would be it.
It wasn’t. “You’re damn right it would be more fair! I wish things did operate that way. Think of how different life would be if men did have to breast feed.”
That statement suddenly struck me. Wow. Things would be very different if men had to breast feed. My mind wandered off and I considered the possibilities…If a man got a woman pregnant, their chests would start to swell. Imagine a couple of buddies out drinking one night…
“Hey Bob, you been working out?”
“No, I knocked up Janet a few months ago, my breasts are growing.”
“Dude! Congratulations!! That’s great. Hey, if you’re interested I got some leftover Man Udder Butter from when I nursed Annie if you want to borrow some. It’s in the garage.
“Thanks Frank, I think I’m good.”
What about professional athletes? They’re notoriously impregnating women. Imagine this scenario:
Announcer1: “Williams is looking a little slow tonight Bruce.”
Announcer2: “I agree Dave, looks like he may have added some weight in the upper body area.”
Announcer1: “Are those nipple stains on his uniform? Is he lactating?”
Announcer2: “Yes I think so Dave, there were rumors his girlfriend had a baby recently and I bet Williams has been nursing. That explains a lot.”
Announcer1: “Well, it looks like the coach is going to take him out. He might need to pump before going back into the game.
Announcer2: “That’s going to hurt the Sharks on defense.”
The differences and strangeness don’t stop there of course. We’d have nursing “Manzieres”, “Man Pumps”, man cream ads during NFL games, PSAs on TV telling men “Friends don’t let friends drink and nurse”. I guarantee that society’s view towards breast feeding in public would definitely be different. I’d have to get new shirts. Would it hurt? Oh my god this is freaking me out...
“Honey. Honey!!” – I suddenly snapped back to reality and realized my wife was yelling at me and poking me in the shoulder. “We’re you listening to me?”
“Uh yeah, of course”, I stammered. “You were talking about what if men had to breast feed. Whew, that’d be something alright”. I averted my glance and looked back at the newspaper, hoping she’d drop it.
“Yes it would”, she said. She stared at me suspiciously for a moment before finally looking back at her magazine. Thank goodness she didn’t notice the drop of cold sweat that ran down my temple.
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