As the old saying goes, the answer is simple, but not easy.
The best way to care for your children through your divorce is by doing the work to take care of yourself. Yes, I said “work”. Because for most parents going through a divorce, taking care of their own needs – emotional, mental, physical and spiritual – comes dead last on the list of priorities. There are so many other demands on our time, and money is tight, and we simply cannot justify taking the time to go to the gym, or get a good night’s sleep, or put structures in place like church or therapy which might provide perspective and support and healing. I will admit, there are many times when I would rather stay home and eat ice cream than go to a therapy session. But while ice cream may give me temporary gratification, it does not provide authentic “caring” for my body or spirit. It is not the healthy work I need to do to take care of myself.
If you are having trouble taking care of yourself during your divorce, consider this: in her book Difficult Questions Kids Ask (and are too afraid to ask) About Divorce, Dr. Meg Schneider argues that the best thing you can do to help your kids cope with divorce is to come to terms with your own feelings and emotions surrounding your divorce. And that requires making the time to reflect, process, feel and heal the experience.
Said another way, your children will match your energy. The best means of ensuring that they weather this storm in an emotionally healthy way is to work on your own emotional health. Your children will learn what you teach them through your own actions.
So go take care of yourself. Go for a run. Pray. Confide in a friend. Find a good therapist. Do it for you. Do it for your kids.
