Yesterday I found myself happy. Really happy. I mean I hadn't felt that happy in a long long time. I was a little worried, like am I suddenly manic? How could I be so sad one day and then so completely opposite the next day. As a close friend of mine pointed out it's probably that I am feeling what has been shackling me for so long finally breaking free. I'm shedding that dark cloud that has been hanging over me brought on by my husband for quite some time.
Today I find myself wrestling with anger again, guilt and ever so slightly doubt. I caught myself, more than once today, thinking "is this really happening". I mean we have had fights before where he told me that he had given up on this relationship a long time ago or that he was only with me because of our son. I would cry for a day or two, collect myself and go right back to trying again. I found myself reaching out to him for a hug. He'd pretty much give it to me, but not very encouraging. I'd ask if he loves me and he'd say yes. Our arguments have never gone this far before to this point. I think probably because this time is the last time I ever want to hear him say those things. Each of the other times I didn't believe that he was really saying that. I should say I didn't want to believe that he really felt that way. But this time, something is/was different.
On top of all this, today we had a big blizzard. For the most part I was snowed in all day with my mother in law (we are not speaking at all since she opened her non english speaking mouth about something she knows nothing about and I went ape shit on her!. Yeah.. that makes things very uncomfortable). I had made a comment this morning as my husband came into our bedroom to get dressed that I was not looking forward to being snowed in today like one big happy f'n family. Well, he did manage to shovel himself out. This mornings accumlation , however, was nothing compared to the 22" that was on the ground by the time he came home. I found myself and my mom joking about him being snowed in at his office and having to stay there and when he came home she was dissappointed. But I felt guilty about that.
Going back to something that is differnet this time around, while I do not think that he is sleeping with this person, neccesarily, I do believe that there is something going on between them. A strong friendship you might say. This woman, older than I am, works for him at his gallery but is there constantly working at all hours with him (after all, as I think I stated originaly he is always working). They do text each other, nothing really deep or anything, but in those texts he communicates with her far more than he does me and I'm certain that he talks to her a lot. I kind of feel that maybe he has been even more distant with me lately because of this, if not on a concious level on a sub-concious one. My mom, when she was here for Christmas and met her when I took her to my husband's gallery, had a "sinking feeling" in her gut the minute she saw her.
On another note; I was offended when I found out that the day before xmas Eve he took her and his mom into town shopping for Xmas gifts. Seemd a little intimate to me; my husband, this woman and his mother together. Not to mention, she's picked up my mother in law from NY before on her way to or from there to visit her house she rents on the island. Something just doesn't sit right with me there on that front.
Something else I noticed today is that , when I broke up with the first man I had ever truly loved I remember when it was suddenly over that I had this horrible pangs of severe lonliness ; as if someone was sticking their hands in my gutt and ripping out my insides. I felt that slightly on Saturday, but not as severe. I guess that is because I have been lonely for so long already that all this doesn't make that any differnet or any worse.
Right now, what is bothering me and hurts the most is that the man I love and still do love I stuck by through all his crap and one bad decision after another, yet HE is the one that gives up on me and walks away from me (emotionally before now). I mean how dare he. I did nothing but love this man. Yeah, I nagged him to do the right things and address the many problems he still hasn't addressed but it was all in his own best interest and for his own good because I love him, and he doesn't love ME. I don't know how he can't feel anything as he lays down there on that couch and I'm not speaking to him and will hardly look at him. How is he not hurting. Did I not matter to him? I think like that, and I get all teared up. How can he be so hurtful, so unkind and uncaring of me.
I can remember once when he looked on me so affectionately and warmly but that was so long ago. I guess it would be worse if it just stopped dead one night rather than gradually dissappeared without him actually dissappearing. All these emotions, all these thoughts, all these things I want to say to him and just get off my chest could drive me nuts. I don't know if saying them will make me feel better or he'll just say something to make me feel worse.
I do know one thing; the sooner I get myself an apartment and out of here the better. I do think that when his mom is gone (hopefully her plane will be leaving tomorrow) and he comes home (although I'm sure he'll avoid coming home as much as possible, hence the reason he went out to his store in a blizzard) to a "cold" home he'll find himself lonely.
Right now, I don't mourn for the husband he's been the last few years I mourn for the husband that he was when I first married him. When I think of that, that is when that slight feel of gutt wrench hits. I suppose I'll just have to think of the dick head he's been and is being to push that sadness away.
I may end up crying just a little bit tonight.... ah yes.. the rollercoaster of emotions.
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AmeliaApple (6 months ago) The roller coaster of emotions is a tough one, but an unfortunate necessity of the process, I think. Hang in there, keep blogging, see a good counselor if you can find one and eventually the pendulum swing with become less exacerbated.