Day #.. Oh hell. I lost count.. All I Know Is It's Valentines Day

Okay.. well, in my last blog post I did say that I would probably end up crying. I did.

The last few days, I'm must feeling angry.  My husband has been staying at work till almost 11pm for the last few nights.  I wonder if he is actually working or what is going on.  It's not like I want to get back together with him because, at this point, I don't, but I keep thinking of the rumors going around town that he is sleeping with the woman (she is in her mid 40's.. we are in our mid 30's) that is working for him. They seem to be spending an awful lot of time together.  I'm not thinking that they are doing anything physical, but I certainly have a feelign they are going to end up together.  Poor woman has no idea what a financial train wreck my husband is. She has no clue the mountain of shit that will one day reign down on him from his irrepsonsibility.

Yesterday, I received a box of flowers at my front door while I was out meeting a client ( A bride whos wedding will be in September. Yes, I  plan weddings.. bu tyou know what.. I still believe in marriage) I first thought my mom had sent them to cheer me up. Turns out that one of my best friends from my old home state sent me the flowers and such a sweet card.  That cheered me up.  I'll just let my husband wonder who the flowers are from (and if he asked, I'll tell him apparently I have some secret admirer). No, not some feeble attempt at making him jealous. Just want to let him know that he has thrown away a catch. 

Today , is Valentine's Day.  I took my 4 year old out for breakfast this morning. We have spent most of the day, however, freezing in our house because we ran out of oil .. again. (there's that money problem again). Fortunately we'll get delivery tomorrow.. meanwhile it's going to get into the 20's tonight. These little electric heaters are holding their own, but they do not do enough, that is for sure.

Stopped by my husband's office today.  I must say I do give him my "attitude" face, but he has the nerve to tell me not to give him an attitude. What the hell does he expect?  He's lucky that "my attitude" is ALL that he is getting. I could make his life miserable.. truly miserable if I really really wanted to.  He should bow down and kiss my ass and be happy he's only seeing my "attitude".   Sorry, asshole, just deal with it.

I also heard from an old friend of his yesterday who is a friend of mine and knows full well how my husband is..  you know, with finances and everything.  It kind of felt good hearing how right I am from someone that has known my husband longer than I have and who cares about him, but isn't surprised that this is where we ended up because of how he is.  

Uggh.. well.. what else can I say today.  Again, felt a little frustrated that I can't just pick up and move on with my life. Was thinking.. okay, what happens when I move out of the house? Do I date? God, it's been so long since I was  single and I think I forgot how to flirt and pick up a guy. Not that it is a priority, but I'm sure i've lost my Mojo.  I used to be quite the serial dater before I met my husband. Now, I'm sure I'm just awkward and clueless.. eek.. getting out there scares me.  How do you date when you are a single mom?  How do you date when you are "seperated" and not yet legally divorced?  Believe me , these things are NOT a priority, but I have been so lonely in that romantic way for quite some time (he pretty much left this marriage a long time ago).. that I yearn for romance, attention...   God..just to have a nice kiss with someone.  Uggh.. it will be a long time before any of that happens again.. and I dread the nerves that go along with it...

K.. I've rambled on enough for today.