How Did I Get Here

Over the last two days, since the whole divorce thing has actually been put in motion, so to speak I have spent analyzing, analyzing, analyzing.. .well you get the idea.  I suppose that started quite some time ago.  Briefly, I'll tell you a little about myself and my husband.

We met in 2001. My father had passed in May of that year and somehow I knew that someone special would be entering my life (similar to how I could feel the presence of my child around me before he was even conceived). Perhaps it as to deal with and give me what I had been searching for at a time when my life as an adult was in complete transition.  My father had passed and my mother was selling her house in New York and moving to the other side of the country.  My world was turning upside down as I knew it.  but thankfully my soon to be ex husband was there.

Things were great, he adored me. We got along well. I was in love. We moved in with each other in December of 01 (we met in September). By July of 2003 we married.

I must give you some background on my husband. First, he is an immigrant from the Czech Republic. Came here at the age of 17 without knowing a word of English.  He was here on a tourist visa and, well just stayed.  Yes, he was an illegal alien.  We would joke that he was marrying me for my papers (which he wasn't). 

My husband came from a broken home. His biological father left when he was a newborn and the man his mother eventually remarried (and had his sister with) turned out to be a complete cheating asshole. One that forged his own daughters signature on loan papers, defaulted on the loan which almost got his daughter arrested and struggling to pay back.  Yeah.. very different from the loving family that I grew up in ; two parents that , after 30 years, were still married, lived in the same house my entire life and had two younger brothers I grew up with. I had the typical middle class lifestyle; not too extravegant but very comfortable.

While I felt that "wow, this guy turned out pretty normal" it soon occured to me that my husband was NOT "normal" in the sense that he had not a clue how marriage worked. I realized that when, without having asked or discussed with me, he pretty much had his mother come to this country and live with us.  Yup, our first year of marriage his mother in law lived with us.  Not a great start.  Needless to say , it didn't go well between his mom and me.  American wife meets European mother in law. You can imagine the clashes. The problem, she didn't really respect me adn felt I didn't respect her and she would complain about me to my new husband (like commenting when I came home from a very long day at work and threw off my shoes asking him why i can't pick up my shoes. Oh no!  My house woman. I'm an adult now and earned the right to leave my shoes where I want them). By the end of the first year, she went home and didn't return till about 1 or maybe 2 years ago.

Money had always been a struggle for us from day one!  Hell, when I was on the phone with him when we were dating he said , very calmly, " I have to go, they are repossesing my car ". However, I've always been one to look past flaws like that because he was a hard worker and good to me.  Money is not, was not and will not ever be the most primary thing in my life or focus.  But, our entire relationship , and yes marriage, was always a struggle with money.  Mostly because my husband is not a practical man.

Things seemed to change after I had my son probably for several reasons. For one, I think that for me the way we were living was getting old.  I expected him to start making the right choices now that he was a father (like foregoing buying things , taking trips etc, that we didn't need when we still hadn't filed his immigration papers..  nearly 3 years into our marriage!).  There were other important things like paying income taxes, etc. that my husband would put off or neglect.  He also tended to ignore little problems that eventually became big problems that he ends up having to work twice as hard to fix.  Just for some examples. 

Then there was the communication issue.  Let's just say, there was none.  He would do what he wanted when he wanted and how he wanted with no input from me and without even discussing things with me.  If I had a differing opinion, he would just ignore it, even though I was trying to get him to do things the "right" way and NOT cut corners.  I supposed over time I became a "nag" , so to speak.  I tried every which way to get him to make the right and best decisions without hurting what is the very frail male ego. 

Things deteriorated. He pretty much checked out of the marriage. No affection, no hugs. Our sex life was nill.  This began to worry me and I would bring it up. Every time he would turn it on me and blame it on me; that i was the problem. Usually lame ass excuses like the weight I had gained (baby weight) or really how I didn't clean the house well.  He wasn't a dick or an asshole about it, but when I would try to discuss things and our seeming deteriorating relationship, this is what I'd get. 

We had a house and we were losing it. A house which, btw, I can't beleive we bought.  But I thought, at the time, if he feels he can handle it, then we can handle it.  We conceived and brought our son home in that house.  We bought it in 2005.  By 2008 we had to short sell it and we lost all the money (he would put every penny in it because the day we bought it he ripped it to be beams on teh first floor, even though we had no cash reserves and I tried to tell him that is not the smart thing to do - of course he didn't listen). We moved to PA and I thought maybe we would have a new start.  The fights were more frequent and he had told me a few times he was with me only because I was the mother of his child and if we didn't have him he would have left.  But I tried, tried really hard to make him happy. 

After over a year in PA things hadn't improved.  I was living with a roomate, not a husband.  One that still disregarded my opinions, ignored my input and was still not making the wisest more practical decisions; ones that were realistic based on our financial situations.  We had CC debt (I got an Amex card and the dayw e got it in the mail, he wanted to go get a 62" HDTV! and maxed it, plus we paid mortgage on one and used the Home Depot card to fix up the house we lost). Plus a truck he bought for me , yes in my name.  In PA with his business, he was doing the same things here expecting different results.  Our money situation, which I thought would improve with a lower cost of living, did not.  I was finding myself feeling extremely lonely and caught myself watching TV and looking at couples and finding myself feeling as I felt when I was single; lonely and craving a relationship.   I knew that this year, things would need to change. He wasn't trying. He was gone. I was exhausted. While he loves his son (who will be 4 next month) he has never spent more than 2 hours at a time with him and never makes time to do things as a family or even with him without me.

So I pushed a little to get him to realize that he will lose the family he should be happy to have; one that he never had.  Well, his answer : "I've been done with you for awhile" and when I told him he didn't even try he says that he did.  Upon a challeng of what he did to try he said " I stayed".  Yup,.. it was over.

But here's the thing. Since 2003 I have been a stay at home mom (for several reasons; one being that we have no family on either side nearby to take up child care etc.).  My credit has been destroyed (late CC payments, home that was short sold, late car payments).  I lost my health insurance when we moved (long story and I have a pre-existing condition to boot). Basically, I am one hot mess.  And yes, he is STILL an illegal alien one that HAs not filed income taxes in 2007, 2008 and what will be 2009's taxes. (I dont' have moneyt o pay the accountant to do it and it is complicated and not up my alley to do it with self employed, busienss, write-offs etc.). 

Wow.. I basically feel I am screwed.  Here are all my fears:

1. How can I collect spousal and child support when that is determined by W2's and tax returns; things my husband doesn't have

2.  I am going to tell my attorney about his illegal status, simply because it gives me leverage to get him to agree to what I want (very reasonable requests, I've never been a money grubbing wife and have been the very practical person who has never asked for things).  But, if I do tell him and this gets to a divorce judge, the fact that he is illegal could cause him many problems. Basically it puts him on the radar for deporation.  Then I'd have been responsible for ripping my son's father from him; something I do not want. I don't want my son to resent me in the future.

3. I fear that now that we are through, and he has not one ounce of family here accept his son, that he may decide, if he is not happy with his life (he blames me for his problems with money and takes no responsibility at all for the situation. He thinks I'm the reason he's miserable, but clearly I'm not. .. he'll realize that too late I'm sure)  he'll go back to his home country. Knowing how much he loves his son, I could see that he may try to take him out of the country.  I mean, there is a part of me that doesn't think he would but in all honestly my trust is waning.

Tomorrow, I'm going to call Legal Aid here in my county and hope that I qualify becaues I have not a dime, nor any consistent income stream , to pay for an attorney.  He's sleeping on the couch. I will not talk to him,  I will not do his laundry. I talk to him only if neccesary. To boot, there is a rumor going around that he is sleeping with the woman that works.

Here is hoping this blog process is carthartic