Today Started Out Not So Good, But Ended on a Better Note

Today didn't start out well for me.  I woke up with a nervous knot in my belly.  It was strange, it was just there. It didn't come from any one thought. it's not like I felt that I was actively stressing, but it just was there lingering.  I knew that in order to get it out of my system, I had to, first chance I got today, to find out some of the answers for a lot of the lingering questions I had.

Being basically a stay at home mom for the last 4 years and not really making an incoem, I knew my options were limited.  I thought that there must be some legal services for woman like myself and so I thought of legal aid.  I dropped my son off at his daycare/preschool program and sat and waited till 9:30 am (hte start of their call hours). I was hopeful about sitting and speaking with someone who could put my mind at ease and offer me some options.  My heart sank when  I heard that , in my county, there was no legal aid services in the area of divorce.  It then referred you to the Penn Bar Association for a referral to a private attorney (in otherwords, one you'd have to pay for).  I called and was really deflated.  I got someone on the phone and immediately asked why legal aid wasn't available for such a situation.  No funding. Well  no surprise.  She offered me a ray of hope when she told me about their "pro bono" department and asked if I wanted to be transferred.  Did I?  Does a ski lodge want a nice big snow storm?  Feeling slightly hopeful again I anxiously awaited the next voice on the line.  I was dissappointed when I got voice mail.  I left a message but knew I was not going to get any answers today  from them. Not because of skepticism but because the "volume of calls is such that it may take 10 or more days till you recieve a response".  I felt like crying.

I decided to do a google search in the hopes of finding an attorney that offers a "free consultation".  I found one and fortunately I got an appointment at 2pm.  Feeling somewhat hopeful again.

I then decided to go to the bank in town. I went and made some business/friendly stops, killing time.  2pm rolled around and I had my consultation.

I basically told him my entire story. I almost had an out of body experience as I sat there talking about all the crap that went on with my marriage ; as if I was listening to some stupid chick on the TV that you listen to their story and you think that she must be retarded for letting it get to this point.  The look on the attorneys face when I explained to him that we were married for seven years and he still hadn't filed his immigration papers (despite my having filled them out and went so far as to have the checks written and envelope addressed).  I was really at a loss myself.

Basically a divorce would cost me $750 if he didn't contest any of the terms I would lay down.  That's far less than I thought, but is still a lot when you have absolutely 0.  I could file while I was still living under his roof because leaving for me isn't an option (that pesky no money business again).  My other option, stay put, do the things I need to do make some money and save it till I'm to a point where I can get my own place.   My plan, do both. Stay put and find part time work while building the momentum in my new business, save up all the cash I make, file for divorce and then get the apartment. 

My second and most important worry was how do I enforce any alimony/child support with someone that , in essence, doesn't and shouldn't exist and doesn't have a W2 or tax returns (he hasn't filed in 3 years..more on that later).  His answer was simple: He will have to answer to the courts if he doesn't pay up and he won't want that as it could lead him in jail which would definately expose his status.  I then realized that, even though he hasn't filed our taxes, I did have spread sheets showing all the money in and out that i prepared to give to an accountant when/if he ever decided that he would do it (I would have , but I don't have money and would need to get it to him. He just never put that on his priority list).  Good news too, since I didn't make any money in 2009 I don't have to file and I can file my 2007, 2008 taxes as married filing seperately.

I called HR Block, asked a few questions and then called hte IRS to get my forms for 2009 (1099 and 1099S - because I did make some small change in 2007 and 2008) I called to make sure that my tax record was clean (nothing owed) and sure enough it was.

I felt accomplished. More importantly as I was telling the attorney all this it cemented that I am doing the right thing.

I was also analyzing (I haven't stopped since the Blow up on Friday).  Yeah, he did check out a long time ago.  The reason;  because I had started "nagging" trying to get him to do the responsible, right thing my entire marriage.  My husband thinks that everything he wants is a need.  He puts off and avoids paying for the things that aren't "pleasureable" and that causes problems.  I realized I spent the last 7 years trying to help my husband learn all the lessons I had learned about money and responsibility with it way before I met him.  Sadly, he hasn't learned it and still doesn't realize as this morning he says that "one day  I'm going to realize a few things".. you know, because him turning away from me along time ago is all my fault.  

But here is my prediction.  When I'm finally free of the financial crapy and the bad karma that he carreis tied with all his poor decisions I'll be fine.  But he will find that he is still miserable because I was not the problem, he was the problem. And, because he didn't learn what he needed to learn sooner (from his mistakes over and over again) he'll be the one that realizes, albeit to late, what he lost. I will be sad for him because I do still love and care for him (although right now I'm angry and can't stand the sighte of him, to which the attorney said that he doesn't blame me ; He's left me with pretty much nothing financially, emotionally or even legally). 

I just hope he cleans up his mess because one day it is all going to catch up to him and his world is just going to cave in on him.   I just don't want to be stuck under the rubble with him. I can know that I tried, so very hard, and was extremly patient in trying to help him and help us.  Ultimately, you can't fix or change a person.. Duh, right. yeah, perhaps I nagged and "put pressure" on him to do the right things and take care of things and perhaps that , ultimately , pushed him away but I had every right to do that, because look at the hole he has dug that I now have to climb my way out of.

I look forward to having control back over my own life, destiny and karma.  As I told the attorney,I'm going to be in charge and in control of how this divorce goes and how I and ultimately we each get through it.   For once, he'll be forced to do it my way .

So. .I end today on a more positive note. Crying - no. Tearing up; yes.  I'd say that is an accomplishment considreing that Saturday I was a ball of hysterical mush.