Considering A Divorce - Community Support & Resources
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Divorce Network
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Real Stories. Real Support.
Divorce Network is the only true interactive community for all affected by or experiencing break-ups or divorce.
Real-world, person-to-person tips from thinking about divorce to marrying again. Dedicated to providing support, resources, advice and even a little humor from experts, our staff, and all of our member community.
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MomOfTwo (21 hours ago) Ok - to my DivorceNetwork posse...need a little help on this one. My Ex and I have done a great job to date with our shared custody arrangement...but it isn't always easy. THIS one I'm struggling with...and any advice or comments you can post on my blog would be MUCH appreciated.
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AmeliaApple (1 day ago) I often wonder, "is it better to sacrifice some needs in order to stay together for the long haul?" I love my husband, but I think I've hit the 4-year slump. It use to be 7, but I think 4 is the new 7. I'm hoping to make it past the slump to find that it only gets better after the period of angst. Is it wrong to long for a little passion?
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AmeliaApple (4 days ago) You know...after our session on Wednesday...I had a rough day on Friday (not him-related initially). Then I was doing the laundry, as I usually do, and asked him what he wanted for dinner (it was around 5:30/6:00). I went to put the laundry in the dryer...returned to ask him for his opinion on dinner...he had a recipe for pot-pie...we had none of the ingredients...he wanted home-made/made from scratch pot-pie at 5:30 at night. I went to the grocery store, got the ingredients. While at the store this old man says to me, "I've been waiting all winter to see you." "Excuse me?" I say...he says, "I've been waiting all winter to see your naked legs." WTF is wrong with men? I'm not a feminist, but please!!!! When your wife breaks down in a therapy about how she cannot live up to nor does she want to live up to the "traditional" womanly roles...don't ask her to make home-made pot-pie while she is doing the laundry and now has to go do the store to get the ingredients. (sure, I could have said no, but I was so freaking mad, I knew I wouldn't be able to have a productive conversation at that time) I swear...men don't listen or have an f-ing clue! For those men out there that do...I'm sorry for the stereotype, but GD...I'm getting fed up! Then I asked my husband about how he thought the therapy was going...he said, "I just wish I knew when I didn't have to go anymore." He's free not to go...I'll just divorce him. ARG!
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AmeliaApple (6 days ago) Good counseling session last night. We had a real "breakthrough", I think. There has been this ongoing contentious issue about man/women roles and house cleaning...etc. I was able to clearly say to my husband that I have reservations about having children with him if he expects me to also do all the housework and caring for the kids. I also told him that I am not going to have kids with him (which also means that I won't be with him) if he doesn't get the hitting things under control. I'm feeling positive about it. I feel good about being able to talk about the deeper issues in a safe place. The next step will be to translate that to talks without a counselor present.
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Lulu2 (5 days ago) Good for you! Hope it works out. My husband used to have really bad anger issues, it was funny (in hindsight) cuz he would not go to counseling w/ me (he needed a vacation before wasting his $$$ on therapy that we clearly did not need which was so far from the truth). but he finally decided he actually had issues & went to a counselor for about 7 sessions. I think what prompted it was my commenting on how our older son was starting to be rough w/ his toys & hit things just like daddy. Not to mention I was serious about divorcing him.Good luck!
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MomOfTwo (5 days ago) AA - Good for you. It shows a lot that he is still going to counseling with you when he was so set against it before. Hopefully you can feel that the two of you are making progress.
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MomOfTwo (6 days ago) To AFormerMarine - it is a terrible way to find out that someone has been cheating on you, and I understand that you're hurt & betrayed. I saw your blog series title that you wanted to know if you could sue the man for cheating with your wife. I guess the thing to ask is what do YOU hope to gain from it? Regardless of temptations by others, it is our spouses who cheated and who made the choice to be unfaithful.
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Lulu2 (7 days ago) been married for almost 11 yrs, have 3 wonderful kids that I adore, our marriage turned for the worst after having our first, I went thru a trauma in 2005 (one would think he would "see the light" after having his wife & 2 older kids could've been killed) he still acted like a jerk, he straighted out in 2006 when I seriously spoke about divorce, been ok, but still some issues I don't know if I can deal with. So confused, feel so manipulated & forced to stay. How do I just end it???? he's been a great father unlike before, better husband but I feel smothered, can't express my feelings , my words always gets twisted or somehow my problem or whatever ends being about him??? I don't know where he's coming from very selfish, insecure. uh just so tired of it all! Is this just a phase? yeah a pretty long one for about almost 9 yrs now, I always end up feeling the same way I know it's not going to work. These last 2 incidents are just knawing at me, can't believe he says a sorry should be good enough & he acts like everything is ok again as usual! UUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Lulu2 (6 days ago) One incident was 2 wks ago now, we went to a friends going away party he got drunk (still no excuse) starting peeing in the parking lot as we walked to my truck, he was standing by the passenger door I put the truck in reverse (not to back out until he gets in the truck) which I have done before. He got super pissed & started walking yelling back at me, I couldn't back out cuz another car was pulling in behind me, I went to go after him but lost him ( very dark where I live) I went up & down the street 3 x, knowing this is going to start some shit. And it did, he says I did that on purpose & left him there. I say he's a 38 yr old man who is a big friggin child! we argued until 3:00 am as usual cuz when he wants to talk there's no going to sleep. He brought up issues from 8 months ago too citing that's why he acted the way he did! Not fair since we are suppose to be communicating!!!! The other reason: (about 3 days later) I went to bed, we kissed good night, he got out of bed went into the bathroom turned on the fan, pump the lotion & ya know! Something I've said in the past (we've argued over this) his uses it as an ultimatium. It's disgusting right in the next room!!! We have a master bath. I think it's so disrespectful to do that while I'm in the next room. Now he's said last night (knowing I have stomach issues) "that's understandable not doing it (us having sex) cuz he couldn't imagine doing it while his stomach was hurting him. We went to a counselor 2x, I caved in both times. I feel like I can't leave him cuz he's gotten better (he used to be really bad w/ his anger no hitting but plenty of verbal & emotional abuse) he was horrible to the kids, drank all the time. Even after the accident he drove like an asswhole w/ me & the kids in it, I lost my grandmother in that accident, & yet again it's all about him (he keeps forgetting) We've talked about counseling again, I don't really want to go cuz I know he'll act all innocent there but the shit won't stop when we get home. I know 9 yrs is long but I guess it goes back to my childhood, my mom & dad were divorcing when my dad dies ( I was 8), I grew up w/out a dad plus a little part of me knows he will be hard to deal w/ & may not come around for the kids to spite me.
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DivorceCoachLori (6 days ago) Not sure what the incidents are either that you are talking about, but have you tried relationship counseling or coaching? He obviously needs to do/be more thaan just am I'm sorry. You need more than that and maybe a third person can help explain that to him. best to you
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MomOfTwo (7 days ago) so for 9 out of the past 11 years you have felt unhappy. That is a long time. What are the last two incidents that you talk about here?
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Dael623 (1 week ago) How did you/would you tell your spouse of 30 years that you're not happy living with them and want to live apart? You know there's going to be crying and kicking and screaming...so how did you /do you even broach the subject?
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DivorceCoachLori (6 days ago) The reality is that you will always be family in one way or another, so I always say to do it with love, compassion and grace, asking that the highest good be done for the both of you. So much of it is your intention behind the asking. Stay in a loving space and be there for each other. A friend of mine recently asked for a divorce, she had been unhappy for years! He didn't want it but finally relented and somehow she hass found peace, reconnection with him in a way that had not been there for 10 years, and she is honestly saying she loves him and WANTS to be with him and they are happy. I'm only saying this because, you never know and you don't want to totally close off all your options. Love is sometimes truly the answer.
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MomOfTwo (7 days ago) Unless it's mutually acceptable, having no intimacy in your marriage is not something that many people can live without. It sounds as though your wife believes sex is only for procreation and that's unfortunate. It sounds like it has been this way for so long, it would be difficult to try to change. I was married only 10 years, but with the kids still at home (I struggled with staying for them...but in the end want them to have a happy mom who may be with them less, but is there wholly in spirit) it was a very difficult decision. My husband did not want it and begged me to go back to counseling, but in my heart I knew we were not good together. I tried to be as compassionate as possible. I gave him all of the time to go through his reactions and we lived in the same house for 3 months (sleeping apart) while we worked through the issues. It gave us time to talk together, cry together and realize that it was the best thing for us to part. With a 30 year marriage, that is like a lifetime that will change. I think you need to talk to her when you have a few hours without interruption, and don't be anxious to get out of the house or leave after that. Stay with her and let her know that you will talk through what follows next as she processes her feelings. You can't avoid the emotions, but you can help by trying to be empathetic to her. good luck.
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AmeliaApple (1 week ago) Dael623...I cannot answer your question since I have never been in your position, but you are correct that there will be "kicking and screaming"...although figuratively speaking, of course. I commend you for seriously considering changing your life to make yourself happy and, although it won't seem like it at the time, to allow your wife to find what makes her happy. I wish you the best and hope you find a way to work through your situation. I'm in a young marriage, no kids, and considering divorce. I do love my husband and recently we've been going to a counselor to assist us in dealing with some of our issues. Ultimately, while I want it to work out, I don't know how it will. I love my husband, but have concern about having children with him because of his tendency to get violent (hitting inanimate objects) when he is angry or confronted with confrontation. Since you have been married for 30 years, any wisdom you can impart to me or anyone in the community about the process of choosing to stay and now considering leaving would be helpful. The thing I struggle with is the idea that when we get married, we do the "till death do us part" thing....but when you only have one life, at what point is enough, enough? Anyway...good luck and, for what it is worth, I'm always happy to listen. Best ~AA
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AmeliaApple (1 week ago) Do you ever wonder why we treat the most important people in our lives worse than those we are forced to deal with on a daily basis? ARGG!
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Lulu2 (6 days ago) So true!!!! I wonder how can my husband love me so much but yet still do things that cuz us fights or me pain! It's like there are 2 sides to him the home side & his social side where people are like oh he's such a great father & husband but, they don't see the manipulative, selfish just plain odd side to him.
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MomOfTwo (7 days ago) Yes, yes yes. The patience I have displayed with former colleagues, etc. is 10x what i would give my husband or kids. I think I have done a better job lately, but I still catch myself. Recently I realized that each time I called my sister (my best friend in the whole world) I was talking about all the things I was going through and then had to run. She's been struggling with many things, and I hadn't been giving her MY time, just taking hers. She is such a giving person, she never says a thing, but I noticed a distance. it has been better since I've stopped myself and remembered to ask her how she is doing.
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Frenchie (1 week ago) Hi everyone, I just signed up and am wondering if any of you would share their experience about separating over a lack of sex / intimacy. This made me unhappy and depressed for over 6 years, and now that we are separating, I am miserable and wondering if I should have waited longer, for him to go to therapy.
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Frenchie (6 days ago) HI Blondeshavemorefun, I really enjoyed chatting with you the other day, and it's so sweet of you to check in on me. I have tried to take care of myself, though I've still been doing a fair bit of moping around and not getting out of my apartment before late afternoon. But I'm trying - I wen to a yoga class, which always helps me with anxiety and stress, and have seen a friend. I feel like I'm on a ride wearing blindfolds and have no idea what's coming next, I'm still going through a lot of ups and downs, but it's only been 2 weeks today since I asked him to leave. What is bothering me is that he is ambivalent about what might happen next. We have agreed to separate, but, as I told you, it's supposed to be 'open-ended.' The problem is that I get the impression that the only 'plan' is to let time go by, he hasn't asked me to give him time in order for him to get help, or something. With a little more clarity when I stop running the emotional gamut everyday, I may realize that I simply want to move on with no qualms. Right now I still feel that glimmer of hope holding me back. Thank you for your positivity. I do have to 'nurture my wounded self' as you put it so nicely.
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Frenchie (6 days ago) Hi Dael 623, I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this for so long. You must loved her dearly. The last 6 years have brought me down so much, it's like I've become a different person, all shrivelled up and half the person I used to be. I haven't read your story yet, but I understand from your post above that you have not left her yet. Have you had affairs? Or did you live with the lack of intimacy all this time without being unfaithful? It's never too late to do what's right for you and rescue yourself from a relationship that was not fulfilling. I'm trying to convince myself of the same right now, even though part of me still hopes he would do whatever is necessary not to lose me.
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BlondesHaveMoreFun (7 days ago) Just checking in with you...hope you have taken some time for yourself and been active. I think the time away will give you the answers that you are seeking. Distance can give us such good perspective. Just remember that strong, independent woman is still in you...she's just a little wounded right now. Nurture that side of you and you will begin to feel it again.
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nancyjh87 (1 week ago) I KNOW THAT THE DIVORCE PROCESS IS A DIFFICULT AND SAD ONE. HOWEVER, IF YOU NEED TO SELL OR BUY A HOME, I AM HERE TO MAKE THAT PART A LITTLE EASIER. CONTACT ME @ 410-562-2394 OR nancysnationalrealestate@gmail.com I AM HERE TO ASSIST YOU. NANCY
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Angie (1 week ago) What is the best way to determine a fair child support amount per month with a self employed spouse?
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AmeliaApple (1 week ago) The last few days I’ve been a bit sick. My throat has been on fire and my head is clogged. I mentioned this to my husband and he asked me if I really felt that bad…as if I were making it up or something. This has been an issue for us in the past. He has a difficult time with care taking and giving comfort when I need it. I think much of this comes from his childhood and the fact that he didn’t receive a lot of care or comfort from the people who raised him. I explained that when he responded to me the way he did, it wasn’t about what he said, but about the way he said it…very condescending and void of compassion. He seemed to understand what I was saying. Then we got into one of the favorite arguments that we tend to have…cleaning. It is unbelievable what he says to me about household chores. He told me he does not feel that I do enough around the house and that, in general, I do hardly anything. WTF????? This has been a contentious issue for us. It is unfathomable to me that he can look at me and tell me that I hardly do anything around our house. Let me remind you that I am the one working to support us while he goes to school full time (and yes, I did this while I was finishing my Ph.D. and holding down a part and fulltime job at the same time), I am the one that goes to the store for the household stuff (toilet paper, Kleenex, shampoo, soap, dishwashing liquid, food, cat food, cat litter, underwear, socks, etc.), I am the one that vacuums and dusts the house, I am the one that does the laundry…all of it, and I am the one that schedules trips to visit family, arranges the vet appointments, and cooks. He actually told me that I hardly cook at all. Meanwhile, he has his own study and it is a sty! I brought this to his attention and he admitted that it was true. I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help but point out to him that it is easier to complain about my lack of cleaning the kitchen and bathroom than to admit that he is being a misogynist. In the end the argument ended with him slamming the door to his room and him punching stuff. I absolutely hate that. We had a heated discussion, but it never escalated to yelling at all. He hasn’t punched stuff since I told him that is scares me (sometime in December), but he has taken to slamming the doors instead. The other night my breathing was bothering him…yes breathing, not snoring…so I woke up to the door being slammed and hearing him curse as he walked away from the door. Are you serious!? This is where I am not very clear on what counts as “emotional abuse”. Should I be concerned about some of these things or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? Overall, however, I feel like our communication is improving. I’m not avoiding conflict and am trying to be as constructive in our discussions as possible and trying to take responsibility in what is going on. I do, however, get a bit scared about the violent outbursts and his inability to curtail that response to conflict.
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Frenchie (1 week ago) Hi AA, I hope that you're feeling better. I wouldn't really know what to tell you about whether this constitutes emotional abuse, but it is definitely over the top. Some of the things you described (punching stuff, slamming doors) also used to make me feel on edge and very uncomfortable during an argument. It sounds like he is taking out his frustrations on you, and that he could use some anger management skills. I just signed up on this site tonight as I am having a very hard time after separating from my spouse of 7 years. I'm a PhD student and am terrified not to be able to finish my dissertation (I'm only on chapter 1) because I will have to have a full-time job to support myself. You gave me hope. You managed to do it while holding a full-time and a part-time job! I am so down in the dumps I have not been able to return to my dissertation since Feb 17 (the day it happened). Tomorrow is a new week, and the beginning of a new month, and I am hoping that I can get back to my chapter. I sent you a friend request, I hope you accept it. All the best, Frenchie.
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john (2 weeks ago) What's up with the game avatar on the lower left? Seems more like a high school myspace item than being fit for this audience.
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DivorceNetwork (2 weeks ago) John, thanks for your feedback. This is a small adspace used by "Meebo" our Instant Messanger provider and it will run a variety of ads which they control in exchange for a free but robust application for our members to connect with each other instantly and in real time. We hope you'll try it.
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) Can you help me with an article I want to write? I need stories of when and how Romance was lost in the marriage. If it wasn't lost, can you tell me what you did to keep it going?
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MomOfTwo (7 days ago) Competing with your spouse. I didn't always realize it, but small things, like my spouse would say what a stressful day he had and I would say "you think YOU had a stressful day, listen to this...". Not validating them and the stress THEY feel rather comparing it to what you have to deal with. Small items like this over time broke down the romance and feelings of love and replaced them with resentments and distance.
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allenj7030 (1 week ago) Romance is lost when one or both partners in the relationship is no longer happy, or fills they don't have time for the other person. It's very hurtful when you try to be romantic to your partner and they don't reciprocate
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MomOfTwo to iwillbeok (2 weeks ago) sorry I missed your Instant Message. After my first divorce..not long enough. A month after we were separated...maybe. And it ended up being a long term relationship that didn't work. I was in a really NEEDY stage which is NOT like me at all. So when I started to get back to "normal" he thought I was changing, when I was really just getting back to my old self. It has been 4 years since my divorce this time, but I would say I was ready to date after 1 year or so...just didn't put my personal life as a priority as it was hard enough to juggle work, home, kids, etc.
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jlb1129 (2 weeks ago) He doesn't want it changed. It is to his benefit. But, not to mine. I signed under stress, but not sure if I can get it changed. We tried to do collaborative law, which failed. I am now in the process of getting new attorney. I was just curious if anyone has ever had to with success to change a seperation agreement.
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john (2 weeks ago) Its possible to change or amend, how practical it is depends on what it is, how contentious it is, and why you want it changed. If you can discuss any of those details we may be able to offer more specific suggestions.
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jlb1129 (2 weeks ago) need help! Has anyone ever been able to legally change a seperation agreement?
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) It depends on what it says. It is not the divorce decree right? So, unless you specifically said it will be the agreement upon divorce, it can be changed. Also, talk to an attorney about getting it set aside if you were pressured into signing, you said it was under stress and I don't know your circumstances, but if you can really prove it, then yes.
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MrDistracted (2 weeks ago) Yes, jjb, but not without either mutual agreement, and certified by the court, OR going back to file a motion with the court...at least in my experience.
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AmeliaApple (2 weeks ago) For everyone out there going through a difficult time, take some time for yourself. Remove yourself from your life and work and just get away for a weekend. It does help you clear your head and helps you put things into perspective. I did this by myself once and this past weekend spent the time with a dear girlfriend that I hadn't seen in four years. Take the time for yourself. You can do this....we all can do this!
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) good idea!
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MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) Glad to hear that you got away with your girlfriends. I think we need to maintain this connection with our friends in good times & in bad...as they are a lifeline when we need it.
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) I just found out that there is a bill in the Arizona legislature that will make the 60 waiting period a 6 month waiting period, before a divorce. The goal is to keep more marriages together. What do you think? I think people who have not been divorced think that people who are getting divorced are just lazy, don't want to work on their marriages, are not educated, don't see the ramifications for their children, etc. I think having to wait even longer will cause MORE fighting, MORE problems for the kids, MORE manipulations, MORE abuse if there is abuse, MORE financial hardships. What do you think???
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tbug (1 week ago) I personally think this is great. My husband has not yet filed but has started the paperwork. I hope there is a possibility that he may change his mind. We still live together and love each other but have some issues we need to work on. He says he's given me time, but in actuality he hasn't really given enough time to work on us. Knowing that it may take 6 months instead of 60 days to me should be across that board.
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) when I was a divorce attorney, my first question was always, did you go see a counselor and is there any chance of working through things. In my experience, few people see divorce as an easy way out.
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john (2 weeks ago) In our situation I don't think it was lack of knowledge of each, but lack of communication and dealing with some stressful situations. We got through it, but she concentrated on the past difficulty rather than the present success. She saw divorce as the "easy" way out, I never thought it was, now she believes that too (too late now).
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Desmadre (2 weeks ago) At the end of the rope i've been hanging from! Married for 12 years, with the guy 16 yrs. One daughter together. Two seperations, both due to his infidelities, mid-life crisis, or one thing or another on his part. I am all for accepting blame for my part, but really i don't know what else I could have done. Finally understand that I married an extremely selfish individual. Last infidelities were June '09'. He was caught because i found a sex tape he had made of himself with another woman. A week later I found out about another woman. Insisted he leave, he begged and cried that he was sorry (as he has done past) and that he wanted his family..blah..blah..blah..we started counseling because I said there was no way of me allowing him back home unless we sought help (he had never agreed to counseling in the past) lasted a few months because he felt things were better. Well this week I find out he contacted a woman he had a fling with in the past. When I confronted him he tried to turn things around on me (as he usually has). Yesterday he tells me that after months of struggling with this, he wants to split up! I blew up!! I had always been understanding that relationships are difficult and things happen and always urged him to be honest with me instead of me finding things out from others. I loved him and wanted to try to keep our family together...silly me. The last two seperations, I never asked for a dime (nor did he feel he needed to give me anything). The last time I let him keep the house, only to find out he wanted me to help him with the mortgage payment. So, yes I finally see things for what they are: this is an extremely selfish person and I no longer want him around me!
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) AND...do not move out of the house until you speak to an attorney. OK, can't help it ... my attorney hat comes on sometimes. Don't be foolish, you'll be sorry later.
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MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) Desmadre, It sounds like you have been through a lot and have tried to forgive and move on with someone who takes you for granted. He wants his family life but none of the obligations and responsibilities that go with it. Don't just give up on the finances or your home just to get rid of him. I'm confident that you worked hard to achieve anything that you have. Sometimes at this stage of the game, you need to just emotionally detach and look at everything from a distance. Stay strong and you will know it is the right thing this time because it will feel over.
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MomOfTwo (3 weeks ago) Love this: More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson
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MomOfTwo to iwillbeok (3 weeks ago) I like your tag line...and you really will. My first divorce was from my husband of only 5 years (i was married at 19) and it was because he wouldn't get help with his alcoholism. I can't imagine having to deal with that situation with kids involved. You are doing the right thing...and once you make it through this, life will feel so much more peaceful. Good luck.
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MomOfTwo (2 weeks ago) It sounds like you have taken a really good approach, and it's good to hear that the kids are in counseling. I wish I had that opportunity as a child dealing with my mother's alcoholism after the divorce from my father....it may have been able to help me break the cycle that I fell into sooner! it sounds like you may have already found an Alanon group. I found it hard to find a group to connect with, but I did go and some of the materials helped, as well as a close friend who was in AA. understanding and accepting is half the battle. Good luck
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iwillbeok (2 weeks ago) My kids are 8, 9, and 12. They understand he is an alcoholic, but like all kids they just want their family unit intact. I am searching for serenity . It will take time. All the kids have been in counseling since last August. It seems to help
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MomOfTwo (3 weeks ago) how old are your kids? Is he fighting you on the divorce?
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thebadguy (3 weeks ago) Married for 26 years before getting a divorced on 10/10/2008. I paid for the divorce but used her lawyer. I agreed to everything including: paying off all of her credit card debt; paying off her car loan; paying her $1200 per month until I retired from my Federal Govt. job on 1231/2009; agreed to pay for her health care (this is my problem now). The divorce decree states I will responsible for maintaining health insurance until she remarries or dies. I doesn’t indicate the amount of coverage or an amount that I need to pay. Before I retired, I was paying her $377 per month for her to pay the “continuation of coverage” insurance through the Government. This rate was increasing to about $412 at the beginning of the new year. I contacted her to tell her that I could no longer afford this amount and that she had to find a cheaper policy during open season and get back to me. She never did and so I found a policy on line for her and started paying for it. Once she found out that she had to cancel her other policy through the government, I believe she has contacted a lawyer because I received a letter in the mail that the insurance was cancelled at her request. I believe that she is trying to get me on contempt of court and if so I will have to pay her lawyer and court costs. So am I the bad guy here? Should I find my own lawyer now? Incidently, she receives half of my retirement, plus she already received half of my TSP account (401k) at the time of my divorce.
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DivorceCoachLori (2 weeks ago) If the decree said provide health care but didn't specify, you did nothing wrong.
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Desmadre (2 weeks ago) Wow, so why the bad guy label on yourself? It sounds like you have paid more than enough if she was out for only that. Yes, divorce is painful, but to what extent does she want you to continue to suffer? because she continues to suffer? It sounds like you need to at least consult with your own attorney and see if a revision to the divorce agreements can be made. The healing needs to start at some point for both of you. Positive vibes being sent your way.
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john (2 weeks ago) An ethical divorce lawyer (an oxymoron) would have advised you of the conflict of interest involved here that obviously did not represent your interests. It's understandable that you didn't want to pay for two thieving lawyers, but that savings quickly evaporated in your ex's neglect for your rights. A better solution would have been a third party mediator who could have advised you both on what would be fair to both of you. There is no law that says you have to pay her until her death or pay all her legal expenses. So you shouldn't. If you are dragged back info court you need to clearly communicate that an unscrupulous lawyer with a conflict injured your rights and you no longer wish to suffer this injury.
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harlan (3 weeks ago) chicken soup for the soul has a book out "divorce and recovery" which is a wonderful book for all. trust me. i gave several copies out at a workshop i facilitated and a week later the responses have been great. just a thought.
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carole (3 weeks ago) What are you thinking? Share your story, vent, ask for help... here on our Fencepost! It took so long and thousands of $$$ to make this happen. Such theatrics from someone who should have been ashamed and remorseful for putting me through this. Sneaky, behind my back actions, I can't say. But when I became "on to him", I became obsessed w/gazing at his History on the computer; it was disgusting. So, after decades of loyalty to him, I got a backbone and filed.
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MomOfTwo (3 weeks ago) It is so hard to find information that someone has been hiding from us. Especially if we're right there "in person" right in front of them and they turn to something else. I don't mind a Playboy in the house, but don't think it should be an obsession. It makes women feel like they need to look like that before their husband will be attracted to them. That's just not realisic. Good luck to you in the process.
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carole (3 weeks ago) Divorced, ex became obsessed w/porn on the internet. He joined sex sites and met up w/strangers for sex.
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DivorceCoachLori to Dael623 (3 weeks ago) Wow, you really stuck with it. You sound like you are really getting to the point of wanting something to change. Have you seriously confronted your wife and said we need to get some help here? Unless you are committed to celibacy, something has to change and frankly, you need to step up and insist on it. I think I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but sometimes someone pointing out the obvious is helpful. what do you think?
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allenj7030 (3 weeks ago) One of the toughest things to go through in a divorce is a custody evaluation. The key to getting your children is showing that you are always acting in the best interest for them. I even scanned there schoolwork and send copies to my ex, which made me think and startup my own company www.sentimentalmoms.com
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allenj7030 (2 weeks ago) Custody evaluation is extremely difficult. My partner now was going through one, and I have never been through one that was such a hard and stressful process. Her ex is extremely cruel and pretty much attempted to destroy the minds of her two daughters, but we fought through an in the end it worked out ok. He's not really involved in their lives anymore, I wish he could be in a healthy way, but his personality and the things I have witnessed was bottom line mental abuse to those kids.
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john (2 weeks ago) The custody evaluation process is ripe with Divorce Industry Parasites (DIPs) that abuse the process, the parents, and especially the children, they have no concept of Best Interest of the Child (BIC) other than to constantly repeat this mantra in the hopes that people will believe it. In this era, there are many opportunities for using technology to improve things, but in the end, it can not replace a relationship with the child that is made much more difficult by the lip service the DIPs put out on BIC. Glad to hear you seem to have done well in this area.
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allenj7030 (3 weeks ago) I have 2 children and I have been the primary care giver, even after the divorce it seems like I still have to support her, only because it impacts my children.
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AmeliaApple (3 weeks ago) So, here's a question for anyone willing to talk about it. I've noticed that on many people's profiles one of the reasons they list for the disillusion of or problems in the marriage includes "sexual incompatibility". Can anyone explain to me what all this includes? For me, there is not a problem in reaching orgasm, the main problem I have with our sexual relationship is the "foreplay" or lack there of. I can write the exact sequence that my husband uses when he is trying to get me to have sex and I have to tell you, it's a huge turn off. Step one, two, three...none of them are very good and I'm unsatisfied in that area. Like I said, once we start having sex, I have no problem reaching an orgasm or two...but cannot stand most of the rest. I feel horrible for saying that, but I'm here to be as open and honest as I can be. AA
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DivorceCoachLori (3 weeks ago) Since I so love talking about sex, I thought I'd also comment. I just read a report on divorce recently that said 56% said divorce was based on behavior issues, and that translated to sexual intimacy issues, which is really what you are talking about. Intimacy goes away, while the sexual functioning may in fact still be there, it's the intimacy you/we all long for. And...that takes communication and motivation to communicate. For example, when you asked your husband if he noticed you not giving him oral sex, that was a great opportunity to open up the why and the need to continue to romance and date you. Marriage is NOT the time to STOP romance and intimacy. Many men think they have "won" her over by marrying her, however, that should be the beginning, not the end, of the romance. what do you think?
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AmeliaApple (3 weeks ago) I totally know that "Friends" episode...hilarious! Yes, I've tried the encouraging communication. I'd love to have sex in a different room, but he can't have sex unless we are in the bedroom. I grew up with traditional puritan reservations about sex, but after about 10+ years of practice and exploration, I discovered how to have multiple orgasms...and, for the record, I was able to do that prior to meeting my husband. I do mix it up for him...I have always loved to give oral sex, I'm into roll playing, tame domination/submission, etc...the problem is that unless I do it, it won't get done. And quite frankly, I'm tired of doing it all. Seems like a reoccurring theme in our relationship, lol. I've even told him so. I asked him if he noticed that I never give him head and more and he said, "yes". I told him, while it may be petty, I stopped doing it because it was never returned. I was told by someone once that I should be thankful that I can have an orgasm and that he isn't f*cking someone else. I'm not living my life to settle for average....I know how good it can be and I'm willing to do the work and I expect the same from him. Just a thought. I'm not going to "thank my lucky stars" that I can get off or that my husband isn't cheating on me. Not that you implied that....I just had a little rant! :-)
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BlondesHaveMoreFun (3 weeks ago) AA - Obviously from my blog I am very familiar with how much this can impact your marriage. Although, I would consider you lucky that you can have one (or more!) with your husband. I think the fascination with a one night stand isn't just that it's a new guy, but new TECHNIQUES! Don't know if you were a "Friends" fan, but I love the episode, where they were talking to the boys about all the erogenous zones and they had like 7...the boys were like "7?" I thought there were 2! Then they were like, 1, 7.....2, 3, 7.....4,2,3, 7....7....7....7!!! This may not "translate" in print, but it was funny that the point was MIX IT UP. As I talk about in my blog, the biggest trick is Communication! Make some suggestions to him, without saying you don't like what he's currently doing. Do YOU mix it up for him? Even a different room of the house can make a difference sometimes.
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BlondesHaveMoreFun (22 hours ago) this was posted a few weeks ago...it made me reflect when I read it. "More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." ~Doug Larson I think sometimes when we look at the problems...it's like looking at them through a magnifying glass and they become bigger. I'm not saying to ignore them, but while working on the problem, focus on the good.